A Birthday Filled Week!

This is the beginning of an important, meaningful, loving week for me.  This week holds two very special birthdays ~ my amazing daughter, Lauren’s, birthday and my terrific brother, Freddie’s, birthday, both born on the same day 31 years apart.  They both also share that birthday with my brother’s friend since his childhood through today (which is more than a few years!!).  These birthdays give me the chance to honor these beautiful people who mean so much.

My daughter is absolutely one of the nicest, most honest, funny, kind-hearted, thoughtful people I know.  From the moment she was born she made the sunshine brighter and my world sweeter.  She loves so strongly - with her whole heart, deeply and sincerely, and will go to the ends of the earth for those she cares about.  I remember being told by many people, when I was about to give birth to my son, that many children feel jealous of a younger sibling and that I should be cognizant of that possibility.  I didn’t believe that fit with her personality, but my husband and I took care to have a “Big Sister” shirt ready and some special toys for her when we brought the baby home.  Those preparations were completely unnecessary.

Lauren adored her brother from the second he was born.  She would ask to hold him whenever he was awake.  I remember being a little worried, (after all, it is me) that his head not be supported or he would fall when she held him as she was only a little girl herself.  But she would sit so carefully on the sofa…. there was no need to worry.  I remember her singing her songs to him, waiting with her arms outstretched so she could hold him tight.  Carefully, I would place my son in her arms and she would support his head with her arm and cradle him closely.  She would barely breath as she wouldn’t want to disturb him.  I never remember him crying when she held him, not once.  I know he felt the love and care she had for him, as she does to this very day.  There was never a time I can think of when the two of them fought.  When they were little, she was like a mother hen watching out for him ~ feeding him Cheerios, playing with him, showing him off.  Now that they are both adults, they support each other, stand up for each other, respect each other and certainly love each other.  It does a Mom’s heart good to watch them together.  I know the pride and love they hold for each other and they are my treasure.  She is as wonderful a sister as she is a daughter and she truly makes my every day filled with joy and gratitude.

So, with my daughter’s birthday just a few days away, my heart is completely filled with love, pride and admiration.  She is strong, smart, and so full of goodness.  She is madly in love with her boyfriend and I believe he knows and appreciates her for the wonderful woman she is.  That mutual respect makes her Dad and I very happy. 

To my precious, precious daughter – I love you with all my heart and wish you a birthday, a year, and a lifetime full of all the love and happiness you bring to the world.  Your smile brightens my world ~ thank you for being you.  Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

My brother’s birthday is also this Thursday.  I am a lucky girl in that I have two wonderful brothers who always looked out for me, as I was “the baby”.  I am a very old baby at this point…

My brother, Freddie, is five years older than me.  When we were young, that seemed huge, but now, not so much.   Through life’s ups and downs, I always know I can count on my brother to be there for me.  He is hysterically funny, incredibly warm-hearted, and his salesmanship talents remind me so much of our Dad.  He is now a grandfather and is so head-over-heels in love with his granddaughter that it makes my heart smile.  (And his granddaughter is truly an amazing little girl – she makes everyone’s heart smile!)

My brother and I have shared so many crazy and wonderful times.  There were funny times when he took me for my driving test and watched in horror as I couldn’t get out of the parking spot to start the test!  Then he watched as I pulled over on the curb when the policeman was ready to ask me the test questions.  He was all ready to console me when I shocked him by jumping out of the car screaming;” I passed!!” “I passed”!!  He would NOT let me drive home!  He was there for my other brother and our family and we were there for each other through devastating loss and incredibly heart-wrenching times.  Other life changes and unexpected difficulties that life sometimes brings were always made more bearable with a tight hug.  During my Dad’s various surgeries and other health issues we would sit and worry together in more hospital waiting rooms than I care to think about.  We would talk things over and make decisions.  We didn’t always agree, but we always knew we had only the very best of intentions, and together, with my Mom and my brother, Ronnie, we would make decisions. 

We laughed together when we were kids and enjoyed Sundays at home, family day, as it was the only day of the week my Dad didn’t go to his store. On Sundays we would watch the Eagles’ games with the family, cheer and scream at the TV during away games, freeze and eat at Veterans Stadium during the home games.  No matter what is going on, I always know my brother is there for me.  He is looking out for me and I always look forward to times spent with him.  I love my brother very much.  Happy Birthday Freddie!

And this year I want to give another happy birthday wish to a man who is probably my brother’s best friend, Cliff.  Cliff and Freddie have known each other for close to 50 years.  Hearing them sing together is a treat ~ “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”.  They have always supported each other, as friends do, through good and difficult times.  Cliff is going through some rough times now and I want to wish him a happy birthday and hope this year treats him and his wife and family well.

So, with these three people sharing a very special birthday, I want the world to know that this Thursday marks a day that brought goodness, laughter, sunshine and love to our world.  They say good things come in threes…I must say, especially in this instance, I find that to be very true!

It’s Been a Long Time

As those of you who follow my blog know, it has been a very long since I have written.  The last time I added a blog to this site was when my back went out, and that blog I could write because it was about pain.  Although the pain in my back, thankfully, subsided, once it was gone I still found myself totally empty and unable to put two thoughtful sentences back to back.  All creativity had been wiped from my heart.  The only thing I can attribute that inability to these last few months is the negativity and nastiness of the surroundings I found myself in for five very long days a week.

I won’t mention the name of the company I entered into full time employment with back in May, but I will say that I believed that going back to work in a professional, corporate atmosphere would automatically land me in a place where the co-workers were accepting and helpful and where the day would be pleasantly spent being productive and part of a team.  I truly looked forward to that experience, as it was what I had found at EVERY work place I had ever worked in prior to this time.   I was willing to be paid “crap” to be part of that once again.  Every one of my prior corporate work experiences held the prospect of working together and of a unique relationship with my co-workers that produced many of my long time friends.  These former co-workers are people who I honestly cherish as part of my life to this day ~ even though we haven’t worked together for many years!

However, this last place was unique in that I didn’t speak to one person who was happy there.  Most people shunned me from day one.  As a newcomer at each prior new adventure, I was welcomed from day one with a group lunch and a few welcoming words from everyone. This first day welcoming was always followed by invitations to join co-workers for lunch, emails with a friendly hello, something…this place…nothing!  Groups of women would walk by my desk and go to lunch or go to the kitchen for coffee without glancing sideways.  My assigned “mentor” would go out with two ladies every day.  Not once did she invite me along.  Only two people even bothered to notice me and both of them understood and felt as I did, only they could accept this daily existence as, like my Mother always said, ‘you get used to hanging if you hang long enough’. 

I didn’t want to get used to hanging.

My mentor even told me, at one point, to only respond to personal texts from my children or husband during the day by going to the ladies room and closing the door.  The company frowned on any contact with home during work hours.  The company did not want “chit chat” from one worker with another.  One woman stopped by my desk (one of the rare friendly women that I mentioned above) during the day to ask how my back was feeling.  Just at that time, a Vice-President of the company walked by and offered a glare of disapproval.  The women scurried back to her desk and sent me an email stating there was an SOP (standard operating procedure) memo that strictly prohibited idol talk and having been seen at my cubicle she was definitely flustered.  Now, this is a sick way to run a company and an even worse way to exist five days a week.

Every Sunday, I would enter into a depressed state knowing I had five days looming before me at this place.  My husband was putting up with me, but it had reached the point where he and I agreed this couldn’t go on much longer.  I kept trying to hold out another week – maybe it would get better.  But, it only became worse. 

Two weeks ago on a Monday morning, I was summoned into a Director’s office to be informed that since 3 people had suddenly left the group on the third floor, they decided that since I was the newest employee, I should go up to that department.  (No one in management wanted to consider REASONS why people were leaving the upstairs department in huge numbers every week!)  Please note that this upstairs department was one in which I had been warned about even prior to taking the job.  I was offered no choice.

What could I say?  I bit my lip and murmured something to the effect of, it’s not up to me, so I will go, and left her office.  It was actually rather funny that this job change was ordered that particular morning as on my drive in I asked for guidance on what to do, for a sign…and then, miraculously, one was given.

I was ordered to transition the studies I had been working on and move to the new position on August 6.  During the transition, I was also informed that I would be receiving training for the new position the last 3 days before the formal transition date.  During the training by a pleasant young woman who was leaving, I inquired about the job.  She looked at me and simply said, “I am glad to be leaving”.  She then directed me to speak with two other people in the department.  I went to them and asked them if their mother was offered this position what advice would they give her?  They told me to run like hell.  Decision made.

Last Friday, I offered my two-week notice to my Director, a woman who had never been welcoming, pleasant, helpful or friendly during one minute of my twelve-week stint working for her.  Being that I would be in training these last two weeks, I believed she would tell me to exit stage left…she not only told me go, she walked me out.  It was the most she had done for me since my starting day!

I returned to working retail at Five Below on Monday with the difference that I now appreciate it so very much!  People exist!  There are people in the world to speak to, to learn from ~ my co-workers are supportive, helpful, friendly and kind!  The customers are funny, easy, difficult and crabby but it doesn’t matter – they are all people and all can be a wonderful contribution to a day full of life!  I can laugh again….I can write again!!

It is good to be back in the world of the living!  I hope I never lose my appreciation and thanks for my good friend, Lisa, who welcomed me back!  What a wonderful blessing it is to welcome each day without a pit in my stomach.

Enjoy the day ~ the days strung together make up your life, and life is too short to be unhappy!

Ouch!!

I’ve worked for over a year and a half at a job where I was bending, lifting, stretching, schlepping, moving and stacking and all was well.  I was tired, but I could point to why.  I started my new job, a desk job, about 7 weeks ago.  I come in, I sit, I type, I sit, I eat, I sit…my back went out.  Now, when I say my back went out, I don’t mean a little backache that two Advil will vanish. No, I mean a backache where movement is impossible.

Friday morning I woke up, after struggling with minor to medium back issues the entire week, with a back spasm.  The spasm passed and so I ventured into the shower hoping the warm water would make everything better and I could head to work.  I showered, dried my hair and although in some discomfort, I thought it was manageable, so, I went, slowly, to the kitchen to make my morning coffee.  I cleaned the coffee grounds, poured a cup and started the walk up the stairs to put on my make-up.  Half way up, a spasm hit that literally threw me to the floor writhing in pain.  I have no idea how I managed to put my full coffee cup down on the step above me, not spilling a drop.  (Not that it really mattered; my carpets are ruined from my dog).  I couldn’t move.  The slightest inch of motion set my back into non-stop spasms that took my breath away, not in a good way.  I broke out in a sweat.  My husband ran from the kitchen to help me and I must have awakened my daughter as she came out of her room to see what was going on.  For over 20 minutes I remained on that middle step, couldn’t go up, couldn’t go down.  Finally, I slithered to the first floor then crawled on hands and knees, slowly and extremely painfully to the sofa. 

I was clueless about how I was going to get myself off the floor and onto the sofa.  But, with motions slower than a 100-year-old woman, I lifted one hand, then the other to the couch.  I braced for the pain.  With my feet finally touching the ground, as opposed to my knees, I pushed off and found myself half on, half off the way too soft cushions.  My sofa, the sofa I fell in love with for its soft comfort, was suddenly painfully soft. It took about five minutes, but I finally cornered myself into the nook of the sofa, the very spot where the arm meets the cushions.  I was upright, in agony, but upright.

All of this happened and it was only 7:15 in the morning.  I called my doctor’s office only to learn they didn’t open for another hour.  I realized I had to call out of work.  Like I said, this is a new job and I honestly had not expected to miss any time at this early stage.  Luckily, I had put all the necessary numbers into my IPhone, so I called and left messages for all concerned.

Now it was just a matter of waiting for the doctor’s office to open.  As the minutes crawled by, I eventually made it to the magical minute.  I called and the nurse said, “Hold please”.  There was no choice in the matter.  So, there I sat, on my too soft sofa, the spasms coming and sometimes going, and I held on – for dear life.

When she finally came back on the line I told her of my distress.  She looked up my records and said I hadn’t been in to see the doctor in about a year and that he probably wouldn’t be able to do anything because of that.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I was in no mood.  I told her I have been going to this doctor for over 20 years and that I have NEVER called like this.  I continued by asking her what she thought I should do?  Just remain in agony? Her tone became quite combative when she said, begrudgingly, that she would speak to the doctor and that I should try the pharmacy in an hour to see if anything was called in.  That was it.  She hung up.

So, there I was, still in agony, after having survived the hour waiting for the doctor’s office to open only to learn that I needed to wait another hour to see if the doctor would do anything for me!  I held back the tears.

Being the impatient person I am, I waited about 37 minutes, not that I was counting.  I couldn’t wait anymore soI called the pharmacy, it was 10 minutes to nine.  A recording!  The pharmacy didn’t open until 9:00! 

Forced to wait now, I told my daughter and husband to do what they needed to do and just leave me with the house phone and my cell.  Once alone I realized I should turn the television on, maybe it would pass the time, but, the remote was across the room. 

Cautiously, but determinedly, I inched my legs further toward the front edge of the sofa cushion.  Then, with one hand on the arm and the other on the seat, I pushed myself to a standing position.  I did it!  I was standing - like a real person!  I took a step, then another until I slowly reached the remote, which was sitting in front of the television (which come to think of it is a really silly place to keep the remote.)

I bent to get it – BIG MISTAKE!!  HUGE MISTAKE!!  GIGANTUAN MISTAKE!!  The spasms started again, one after another, I didn’t know what to do.  All I could feel was the pain, the waves of excruciating horror that rendered me useless once again.

It felt like hours but it was only about 2 minutes until the spasms let up long enough for me to fall back onto the sofa.  Afraid to breathe, I waited until 9 AM.

Once the time arrived, I called.  A man with a charming Russian accent answered the phone.  I told him my sad story and asked if there was a prescription waiting for me.  I held my breath, hope in my heart, until he came back on the phone to tell me there was nothing!  Nothing!!

I thanked him for checking and hung up.  I called my doctor’s office again.  A different nurse picked up and she told me the doctor said he would call something in, but that he was with a patient and I should just be patient.  I asked her how long she thought it would be.  She said to give him a half hour.  ANOTHER HALF HOUR!

I waited, I called the pharmacy, the doctor hadn’t called anything in.  I called the doctor back.  The first nurse answered again.  She seemed surprised that someone had told me he would call something in.  I told her to please check because I was in agony.  She put me on hold, came back and told me he had just called it in – then she hung up.

I called the pharmacy again and the gentleman with the Russian accent answered once again.  It was as if he had no idea about my story!  I went through the whole thing again and he told me to hold on.  He checked and said to me – “No, there is nothing here for a Michael…Michael- my son’s name!  How did he get that?  I had to correct him and he looked again, no, nothing.  I hung up; maybe it was just too soon after the doctor’s call.  More time passed…I called back and miracle of miracles the prescription was called in – but it would take about a half hour to fill!

My husband went to the pharmacy to wait so it wouldn’t take an extra second.  He called me from there to say he told the Russian man to let him know when it was ready.  (There was no one in the store).

As he was waiting there, our phone rang….it was the pharmacy.  The pharmacist, a woman, was calling to tell me the prescription had been phoned in.  I told her I knew and that my husband was already at the pharmacy waiting.  Oy.  When I hung up, my husband called immediately and said he couldn’t believe it when he heard her talking to me!  Finally, he came back with muscle relaxers.  Hopeful that one pill would untie the knot that was in my back I swallowed the large pink pill and waited.  Nothing.

My daughter read that I could take Advil with it.  I took two. 

Disheartened, frustrated and in pain I waited.  The pill was to be taken 3 times a day.  My brother was coming to pick up my mother for a weeklong vacation at the beach.  I didn’t want him to see me in my horrible pajamas looking awful, so I bravely went upstairs, slowly and carefully. 

The pills worked in the long run, well enough that I am at least functioning.  It’s now Tuesday, 4 days since that horrendous morning, and I am at work, in my chair, still careful, still hurting, but able to move.  I long for the day when I can just be normal again – a day when the pain in my back is gone. 

To all those who suffer with back pain on a regular basis, you have my respect, sympathy and awe.  The horrific pain causes me to feel useless and lethargic.  I don’t want to risk any movement and that can’t be good for my back – or any part of me – in the long run.

I think maybe working at a desk job may just be hazardous to my health. 

I will never again take feeling normal for granted.  Losing the ability to cross the room, climb the stairs, get dressed – they can go so quickly and easily.  Appreciate health, value and cherish it, for without it, no matter how much money you have, you are broke – literally and figuratively.

Another Day.....Another Email Trail.....

The following is an actual email trail between my husband and I from earlier today.  I know I have not had the opportunity to write on AWomansRoom as often as I had before because of my new full time position.  Becoming adjusted to the job is more of a struggle than anticipated.  Some days, all creativity is sapped from my body, but today I went a little crazy......

Read and please enjoy:

My Husband wrote:  I could use a cookie or 2 right now – I am so hungry!!

I responded:  Did you eat your granola bar?

My Husband wrote:  Yes – I ate that at 10:00!!

I responded:  Hmmmmmm....nothing else hanging around?  You have lunch at noon though, right?  It's only 39 minutes away....not that I'm counting or anything!

My Husband wrote: I can wait until 12:00 – 

I responded:  You may faint from starvation.  Have some fish. 

My Husband wrote:  Ha Ha Fish!!

I responded:  Fish is a dish for which I wish – think there’s a fish knish?

My Husband wrote:  Oy vey!!

I responded:  What can I say...I’ve lost my mind

My Husband wrote: A mind is a terrible thing to waste!

I responded: 

Very true.

Very true…..

I think my mind….

Fell on my shoe……

It’s on my shoe

And now I’m blue

I have no clue

What I should do!

My Husband wrote:  Oy!

I responded:  

Oy is what you said to me

Oy you said so casually

You did not say oh my or such

You used oy as a true crutch

Now I sit here and mull your word

It’s actually a bit absurd

To hear that word in this place

Is like a fish flying through space

It has no place, no meaning here

No one would “get it”..that is clear

They’d think it odd, weird or strange

They’d think I was quite deranged

Perhaps I am, yes, it might be true

And so I’ll say ‘oy’ right back to you!

This is what happens when a new job stresses me out......

Hopefully I'll have more time to write a blog soon!!

Two Sides To Every Coin

Life is so strange sometimes.  Today is Memorial Day.  To some it’s a day of barbeques, the welcoming of summer fun, sunshine and good food; to others, it’s a day of remembering loved ones lost in one horrific war or another, a day of tributes and visiting grave sites.  How can one holiday have two such divergent meanings?  That question popped into my head this morning when I was looking at my Facebook page of all things.  Some friends were talking and sharing pictures of fun on the beach while others where sharing pictures of a woman lying across the ground crying in front of a tombstone.  How can it be that both are such perfect images of the day? 

This weekend has been very relaxing, fun, and full for me.  Although I didn’t have the opportunity to spend it with my children, I did share it with so many people who mean so much to me.  On Saturday, with cousins visiting from California, we met at my Aunt’s house and talked, hugged and laughed for hours.  There is a unique love and acceptance that comes with family.  We have a shared history that simply exists and is deep in the heart and soul of each of us.  We all have our favorite stories, but each of the stories has their basis in the same reality, the same loving and supportive background.  We miss the same people; we cherish our shared years.  Time and distance may have pushed us to opposite ends of the country, but the cord is still there, and I am so thankful for it.

Yesterday, my husband and I spent the day with close, loving friends; two people who we have only known for five or six years, but who have become an integral part of our lives.  We talked in the pool, enjoyed good food and refreshing pina coladas made by my husband.  The afternoon flew by with good discussions.  Memorial Day weekend was two thirds through.

Today is more of a quiet day.  I am looking forward to just relaxing out back, soaking in some sun, and maybe reading a bit ~ doing nothing, which is sometimes everything.  I have this day off to celebrate the millions of people who lost their lives in various wars throughout our history.  I think of my Dad, who fought in WWII.

 It always amazed me that even toward the end of his days, when so many other memories were cloudy or lost, that his memories of his time in the army were vivid.  What an impression those years made on him.  How would his life have been different had there not been a war?  Without serving, would he have been the same man?  Of course he wouldn’t have been.  Our experiences big and small shape who we are, so through his changes, am I different than I would have been?  Are there parts of his history that altered the way he interacted with me that changed me?  Of course there is no way to know, but it’s interesting to consider.

My cousin once told me that the only way to really know what you are in your soul is to remove yourself from everything familiar and be away for a time.  I suppose that is what my Dad’s time in the army did for him.  My Dad was unique in his strength and his humor.  Would he have been that way without that time?

As a mother, wife, daughter, I could never take time and be off on my own.  Honestly, I wouldn’t want to, wouldn’t have the strength or the courage.  Those are my own weaknesses.  But, writing sometimes gives me that space to think about what is deep in my heart.  When I go there, I find that what I want is to not waste my time here, on this earth, doing things I have no interest in doing.  Obligation is foolish.  Of course, obligation and responsibility are two different things and I do have a desire to be responsible for certain things – to my family, to the world…. but the day to day ridiculous obligations that cause resentment because you are doing something you don’t want to do and don’t see any benefit to anyone for your doing them, those are the things that eat away at well-being.

So, to the two sides of every coin, such is life.  Memorial Day may be barbeque day to some while it’s a day of heartache for others…. to some, it is both.  Like most valuable things in life, there is a happy side and a heartbreaking side. Enjoying the good times, cherishing the feelings of love and belonging, while remembering that it is the lives and dedications of those who have struggled and come before us that has enabled us to reach this day.  All of this comes together to make the sweetness that much sweeter while it reinforces our responsibility to each other and to the greater goodness of days to come.

Thank you to all who have come before, and thank you to all who are with me today.  Without your love and support, life would be meaningless.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day~

Just Dive In?

This past Saturday, my husband opened the pool for the 12^th time, the 12^th year.  We had the pool built in 2000, it was a dream of both my husband’s and mine to someday own our own, private pool and when we realized we could do it we jumped at the chance (no pun intended). 

Watching the pool as it was being built was such a thrill.  Observing the talent and expertise of those who dug the hole, sculpted the cement, installed the equipment, installed the tile – all of it, from beginning to end was mesmerizing to watch and extremely impressive to behold.  The skill and talent of each and every craftsman was amazing.  Each summer since those early days, we have enjoyed the relaxation, fun and exercise the pool provides; from soaking in the hot tub on a warm summer evening, to swimming laps or just floating around on a hot summer day.  The pool has consistently served as a central meeting place for all of us to enjoy being together.

Twelve years is a long time though.  In the first few years we had the pool, my children were young.   They have since grown and moved along with their lives, but my husband and I hope that the pool always serves as a happy place for all to want to come back to and share long summer days together.  Someday we even hope to enjoy watching our grandchildren playing in the water.
 

This summer will be a bit different than summers gone by in that my son doesn’t live, full time, at home anymore.  He lives hours away.  I will miss the times we would unexpectedly and spontaneously end up chatting about anything and everything as we cooled off in the water.  Remembering how he and my daughter laughed with (and at) me because I could never simply jump into the pool.  They would try to teach me how to just let go and jump….they would show me, but I could never do it.  Inevitably, I would end up sitting on the side of the pool, dangling my legs in the water to get used to the temperature change, and then sliding in ever so carefully - and slowly.  I wish I could make some analogy to my life with that, but when it comes to my life I seem to jump in whenever a major decision is to be made.  Sometimes I end up in over my head, but, as of yet, l haven’t drowned!

Having friends and family over to enjoy the pool is an extra special time.  Some of my most real and penetrating conversations have taken place relaxing in the hot tub; close friends, good food, nice music and a glass of wine.  Something about the long summer days and the comfort of the water just enables everyone to relax and allows for meaningful discussions to flow. 

There have been summers we have watched the night sky change from May through September.  Sitting in the hot tub, night after night, we would look toward the heavens as the stars come out.  Closely and systematically, we would observe the same stars every night as they methodically travelled from one side of our roof, across the house and finally to the top of the trees on the far side of the pool.  Watching their movement is our old fashioned way of noting the passage of time  - the opposite of a sun dial. 

Time, what a funny thing; we measure the days the months, the years.  Events seem forever away, then, in an instant, they are years ago.  So many events were planned while relaxing in the pool.  Cruises, dinners, parties – all of which have come and gone; I wonder what events we will plan this summer that will seem so far away while we plan them.  I guess that’s life!  We live in the now and hope for happy ‘nows’ in the future.  Meanwhile, we are floating through the present.  


Last week I jumped into a new, full-time job unlike how I carefully slip into the pool on a summer day.  I am now in the process of learning to swim along…, just as the shock of cold that strikes when first getting into the pool, a shock that gradually changes to a feeling of refreshing comfort once you’re fully in, I hope the chill that I feel now, with this first introduction into my new job warms to a refreshing comfort that I can really sink into.  I look forward to staying afloat and not making too many waves.  This cold shock of returning to full time work will hopefully settle down soon and I one day I will find myself looking back on these long first days that seem never ending and say, “I can’t believe that was 5 years ago!”

I’ve surely taken the plunge, now I need to exercise and do my laps.  


I wish you all a refreshing day!

Next Sunday is Mother's Day

Sitting here,waiting for my banana/chocolate chip bars to cool, it hit me thatnext Sunday is Mother’s Day.  To me, there is nothing more important thanthe complete honor and total joy of being a Mom.  My daughter and my sonare my heart and soul.  They fillmy world with pride and love every single minute of every single day ~ all yearthrough.

In my gut, ineverything that makes me me, I feel it is I that should give them gifts on thisspecial day; for on this special day I takestock and evaluate myself as a Mom.  My strong points, my weak points, myjoys and my struggles; to me, it’s a take stock, annual evaluation time.  How am I adjusting tothe different situations and experiences that inevitably spring up as timemoves along?  Am I making their lives easier or more difficult?  What do they need to see from me inorder to free them so they may be all they can be?

The stories Ihave written about in this blog over the last year that related to my observancesof young moms and their young children now come to mind.  Those early days,when the stresses of little sleep and 24/7 attention to every aspect of yourchild’s well-being are not that long ago that I forget them, but they are longenough ago that I am wistful.  Remembering the days when they were both home, when I was so very much a part of their lives and they mine, those days that seemed unending...yet, they ended.

My daughter and son are grown now,adults.  They don’t “need” me anymore, although I like to think they valuemy thoughts and feelings – and I believe they do.  When I look at or thinkof each of them - my heart fills with an impossible to ever adequately express love andpride. 

They haveeach become loving, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, truly good-hearted people.  Iwould like to say I had something to do with that, but in reality I believethey had everything to do with it themselves.  Both my husband and I always believed,as my parents taught me, that children should be given the “benefit of thedoubt” and trusted as long as and until they show otherwise.  My childrennever showed otherwise.  Maybe I’m just lucky or maybe people really wouldrather do good things, or maybe it’s a little bit of both, but that structure sure worked for us.

I neverneeded to punish or rein them in; they were actually harder on themselves thanI ever would have been.  They worried about their grades, they worked hard without any coaxing.  I used toask THEM to take a day off from school here or there because I was selfish andenjoyed their company so much. Sometimes they would agree and we would spend the day together andsometimes they would tell me they had to go to school, had important things tobe there for, and I had to acquiesce. No matter what the outcome, it was their decisions that ruled the day.  Even when they were young, they were responsible and trustworthy.

All throughtheir childhood, my favorite place to be was with them.  I never understood how some Mom’sclaimed they needed “their time”. Listening to them, watching them, laughing with them, was always thegreatest most important part of any day. It still is.  And althoughseeing them is no longer a daily occurrence, I am lucky in that they still touchbase (calling myself base here).  Hearing about their day,learning what they are learning and accomplishing, I am happy.

Mother’s Dayis a funny day.  Of course on onehand, I want to be sure to let MY Mom know that I love her and value her.  The traditional appreciation for who mymom has always been to me is worthy of so much love and gratitude and the opportunity to tell her is very important.  I guess I would hope that mychildren would also agree with that sentiment. However, on the other hand, I think the holiday makes too much out ofchildren giving to their Moms.  Itruly believe my children have already given me the most cherished gift of mylifetime, the honor of being their mom. That is all the gift I will ever want or need. Leading happy, fulfilled,healthy lives full of love and positive experiences is the gift I hope theycontinually give through their life experiences.  Lives full ofappreciation for all the magical and wonderful happenings that fill even themost ordinary of days; the willingness to see the smallest good and turn itinto the most exquisite joy.

Watching thembecome who they are has been the most cherished gift of my life.  If I were wealthy, monetarily wealthy,I would take the opportunity to give them all I could to affordthem the freedom of doing the work of their heart’s desire.  Since that monetary wealth is not withinmy grasp, I hope what I have given them is the knowledge that they can andshould pursue their own path and follow that path wherever it may lead.  I hope, selfishly, that one day thepath leads back toward home, toward where my husband and I are, but, if itdoesn’t and they are happy and fulfilled, that is what really matters ~ and Iunderstand and support them. 

When I thinkabout it, when I honestly look inside my heart to grasp how I feel, I realizethat on Mother’s Day I should send each of them, my Lauren and my Michael agift and a card, for they are the most spectacular gifts of my life.  My husband and I may have brought theminto this world, but they have given us the world. 

I hope Laurenand Michael know that I respect, appreciate, love, and value them for who theywere when they were small and for who they are now that they are grown.  I am honored, completely honored, to betheir mother.  I am prouder of themthan I could ever put into words. And, although I know that at times I may get on their nerves with myworries and concerns, I do believe they understand and I believe they know thatI truly do trust their actions and know that they are competent and wise. 

Mother’s Daymay be next Sunday, but honestly, every time I look at or think of my children,it is Mother’s Day to me.

HappyMother’s Day everyone ~ Mom, I love you…. Lauren and Michael…thank you forgiving me the honor of motherhood and for the love that I would never haveknown without you.

"I Stayed Up All Night To See Where the Sun Went - Then it Dawned on Me."

A friend of mine sent me the pun that is serving as the title of this post; ‘I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.’

It’s a wise pun, and anyone who knows me knows I enjoy puns very much!  My favorite birthday card was one that read, “I would dance down the steps to celebrate your birthday – but I’m a Fred a stairs”.  When in the library recently, I told the librarian friend of mine, “I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.”  So, the fact that this particular pun was sent to me today was not surprising.  However, the way it hit me was unique.

I’ve been waiting around for something to happen, some job to pop into my life since I was laid off from my prior full-time job over 2 years ago.  I started this blog, tried to get my children’s book illustrated, took a part-time job, and did my normal array of daily activities from cooking through chatting with friends.  But, through all this time, I didn’t really investigate and work toward any one thing in particular; I sort of floated through all my interests waiting for one to push me instead of me pushing it.

So, I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.  I sat and did nothing, and everything happened anyway. I went with the flow and the tide has now left me on a new beach.

There’s a pretty good chance that I will begin a new, full-time position on Monday, May 14^th.  I received a call on Wednesday from the head of HR at a company I interviewed with, informing me of their decision to hire me.  Along with all the pertinent details of salary, vacation time, benefits, etc., with that one call, I was excited to learn that I had finally done it, I had succeeded at being recognized as valuable to the outside world once again.  Being that I am superstitious, I am not counting on anything until the formal letter arrives; however, the chance is pretty real that I will once again return to the world of full-time employment very soon.

Of course this is very welcome news.  The increased income will make it easier to buy fun things, pay off some accumulated, straggly bills, and perhaps, once I have earned time off, go on another cruise with family and friends. However, now I am grappling with one particular, nagging thought; did I do enough with my free time or did I just stay up all night and wait to see where the sun went?

I know I used the beginning of my time at home wisely and appreciated every single day.  Aside from searching for a new position, I was able to be with my Dad before he passed.  Those months are etched in my memory and I will cherish those moments with him forever.

I also remember spending time doing more mundane things like cleaning out the pantry and making an effort, in the beginning to de-clutter the house.  Well, that lasted for a short while.  Before I knew it, the clutter was back and I was just as good at ignoring it.  I still believe in the saying that a house needs to be clean enough to be healthy, but messy enough to be happy.  We strive for happy.

Writing this blog has been a big plus for me.  Getting things off my mind, putting them on paper, hoping others get something out of my writing, these things have been productive and enjoyable.  But, did I use the gift of time as importantly as I could?  Now that so much free time is winding down, I realize there are still so many things I would like to do yet the seconds are quickly ticking away!

Don’t get me wrong, the position I have been offered is very desirable and one in which I feel I will be contributing to a greater good.  The organization and follow-up that will be necessary to succeed in this position will be a welcome opportunity to get out of “my own head” and concentrate on something else, a sort of forced mental vacation.  Everyone I met through interviewing at the company was intelligent, welcoming, friendly and kind.  I want to do well, fit in and prove myself worthy of this opportunity.  I will try my best.

But, it just “dawned on me” that the free time I was given was really a very special gift; a gift that I lived in for a period of time; a gift that has taught me a lot about myself.  It is a gift I am glad I will never have to return as it has enriched my soul forever. 

I am excited about this new opportunity that is right around the bend.  I worked at getting this chance for a long time and will try my best to be a valuable addition every single day. 

My time spent sitting around waiting for the sun to rise was a wonderful time.  Thinking about it now, in retrospect, the time was used wisely and appreciated fully.  This experience enabled me to take a breath, clear my lungs, follow my heart and sing out loud.  And now, with the dawn approaching, I can start fresh.  I can watch the sun come up with a smile and face the new day and all its new challanges with enthusiasm and gusto.

Hello World – I am back!

A Must Hear Interview

For those of you who read my blog regularly, you will know I have had the honor of interviewing William Bertram MacFarland over the internet on more than one occasion.  Bertie Mac, as he is known, has published the first book in his series regarding the decades he spent working for various Presidents’ of the United States beginning with President John F. Kennedy and ending with George W. Bush. 

Bertie’s life and experiences are breath taking in their importance.  His writing is brilliant and masterful.   Bertie’s  book, “Back Channel – The Kennedy Years”, is one of those books you just will truly not be able to put down.

As I have the honor of remaining in e-mail contact with Mr. MacFarland, he sent me the link to a recent radio interview.  The link may be found at: http://wendleebroadcasting.com/KXYL.htm .  Once there, click on the Tuesday 5:15 link.  The interview begins close to the 11-minute mark.

Hearing Bertie’s story in his own voice is worth the time.  I hope you enjoy!

The Joy of Bread

My husband and I spent Saturday morning with my in-laws, helping them work out a few issues and running a few errands.  My mother-in-law is, sadly, falling deeper into her Alzheimer’s abyss.  She can’t seem to remember, from one moment to the next, where she’s going and why, although she does still know who everyone is and how we are all connected. 

We met them in their old apartment building’s parking lot.  Unfortunately, that really threw her.  “Did she still live here?” “ Where did she live now?”  These questions kept her going for well over a half an hour.  In retrospect, we should have met them someplace else.  The problem was, we were running errands in their old neighborhood.  As it was, my father-in-law parked on the opposite side from where we asked him to park.  This mild confusion caused us to sit and wait for 15 minutes looking for them, when they were already there!  Finally, we became concerned and called them only to find they were already parked close by, just out of sight.

Due to reading the book, “Still Alice”, I believe I could, at times, see my mother-in-law’s inner frustration at her own confusion.  It must be similar to the feeling we all get when something is “on the tip of our tongue” yet you just can’t seem to retrieve it.  Only in her case, two minutes later, she forgets that she’s even trying to access anything.  My father-in-law is at his wits end, and it is completely understandable.  It must be torture to watch someone you love drifting away right in front of you, with no way to throw a lifeline. 

The four of us ran errands, then my husband and I wanted to take my in-laws for lunch.  It was finally Saturday, the day bread; crusty, delicious, teeth-sinking, comforting bread, could re-enter my diet after 8 days of Passover.   A restaurant in the area, Tomatoes, sat tantalizingly in a strip shopping center, it was calling to me.  My husband and I have eaten there before and they have an amazing roast beef sandwich on crusty bread with caramelized onions and the most wonderful horseradish sauce you can imagine. My mouth was watering just thinking of the deliciousness to come!

A young woman, who had no idea how thrilled I was to have reached this point in the day, led us to our table.  I took a look at the menu basically to reinforce my previous decision concerning the roast beef lusciousness.  We ordered and chatted while waiting for lunch to arrive.  Over my father-in-law’s shoulder I could watch the Ottawa/New York playoff game, which was a very good thing. 

Amidst the sounds of fanfare, (in my head), the waiter arrived with our lunches precariously perched on his arms.  Without hesitation, perhaps sensing my urgency, he placed my plate in front of me, the roast beef sandwich sitting majestically on the plate.  If it had been socially acceptable in any form, I would have devoured it before he even began to place the other entrees on the table.

My father-in-law had ordered the same sandwich I did, but he is a “plain Jane” eater and refused to try either the au jus gravy or the horseradish sauce, removing them from his plate and placing them on the table in between us, as if their simple existence was abhorrent.  To me, the placement of the additional sauces was a joyful insurance…in case I spilled mine or for some other reason (gluttony) needed more!!

In an attempt to be somewhat calorie conscious, I carefully scooped the roll on both sides of the sandwich, then without any delicacy at all, poured the horseradish sauce into the cavity formed by my scooping on the top half.  I suppose that totally negated my calorie consciousness!  But that sauce, that amazing, wonderful sauce, is completely irresistible with its delicate balance of creaminess and its soft touch of horseradish heaven.

Replacing the cavity filled top of the roll, enabling the sauce to comingle with the caramelized onions and perfectly cooked roast beef, I took my knife and with the lady-like precision of an ice sculptor, I cut the sandwich into magnificent halves oozing with messy delightfulness.   Full fat, salty potato chips and two pickle slices finished the perfection of what I was about to devour.  With no further thought to calories or being “lady-like”, I took my first bite! 

The mixture of textures, taste, and relief at being free again to eat what I had been craving filled my senses.  Savoring each tantalizing bite, speaking little, I was lost in the moment; sheer, pure enjoyment encompassed my being.

Perhaps this is the meaning of Passover.  Only through the forced denial to eat bread could I fully appreciate and take complete delight in the joy of bread and the joy of the freedom to eat bread.  Life is full of opposites; hot opposed to cold, sickness opposed to health, light opposed to darkness. Perhaps the meaning of Passover, the freedom that it celebrates, can only truly be enjoyed at the joyful completion of the denial of that freedom in a simple, ordinary way.  Just as it is easier to appreciate the importance of memory and good health through spending the day with my mother-in-law as she is now.

Never underestimate the joy of bread…never underestimate the blessing of good health.