Two Sides To Every Coin

Life is so strange sometimes.  Today is Memorial Day.  To some it’s a day of barbeques, the welcoming of summer fun, sunshine and good food; to others, it’s a day of remembering loved ones lost in one horrific war or another, a day of tributes and visiting grave sites.  How can one holiday have two such divergent meanings?  That question popped into my head this morning when I was looking at my Facebook page of all things.  Some friends were talking and sharing pictures of fun on the beach while others where sharing pictures of a woman lying across the ground crying in front of a tombstone.  How can it be that both are such perfect images of the day? 

This weekend has been very relaxing, fun, and full for me.  Although I didn’t have the opportunity to spend it with my children, I did share it with so many people who mean so much to me.  On Saturday, with cousins visiting from California, we met at my Aunt’s house and talked, hugged and laughed for hours.  There is a unique love and acceptance that comes with family.  We have a shared history that simply exists and is deep in the heart and soul of each of us.  We all have our favorite stories, but each of the stories has their basis in the same reality, the same loving and supportive background.  We miss the same people; we cherish our shared years.  Time and distance may have pushed us to opposite ends of the country, but the cord is still there, and I am so thankful for it.

Yesterday, my husband and I spent the day with close, loving friends; two people who we have only known for five or six years, but who have become an integral part of our lives.  We talked in the pool, enjoyed good food and refreshing pina coladas made by my husband.  The afternoon flew by with good discussions.  Memorial Day weekend was two thirds through.

Today is more of a quiet day.  I am looking forward to just relaxing out back, soaking in some sun, and maybe reading a bit ~ doing nothing, which is sometimes everything.  I have this day off to celebrate the millions of people who lost their lives in various wars throughout our history.  I think of my Dad, who fought in WWII.

 It always amazed me that even toward the end of his days, when so many other memories were cloudy or lost, that his memories of his time in the army were vivid.  What an impression those years made on him.  How would his life have been different had there not been a war?  Without serving, would he have been the same man?  Of course he wouldn’t have been.  Our experiences big and small shape who we are, so through his changes, am I different than I would have been?  Are there parts of his history that altered the way he interacted with me that changed me?  Of course there is no way to know, but it’s interesting to consider.

My cousin once told me that the only way to really know what you are in your soul is to remove yourself from everything familiar and be away for a time.  I suppose that is what my Dad’s time in the army did for him.  My Dad was unique in his strength and his humor.  Would he have been that way without that time?

As a mother, wife, daughter, I could never take time and be off on my own.  Honestly, I wouldn’t want to, wouldn’t have the strength or the courage.  Those are my own weaknesses.  But, writing sometimes gives me that space to think about what is deep in my heart.  When I go there, I find that what I want is to not waste my time here, on this earth, doing things I have no interest in doing.  Obligation is foolish.  Of course, obligation and responsibility are two different things and I do have a desire to be responsible for certain things – to my family, to the world…. but the day to day ridiculous obligations that cause resentment because you are doing something you don’t want to do and don’t see any benefit to anyone for your doing them, those are the things that eat away at well-being.

So, to the two sides of every coin, such is life.  Memorial Day may be barbeque day to some while it’s a day of heartache for others…. to some, it is both.  Like most valuable things in life, there is a happy side and a heartbreaking side. Enjoying the good times, cherishing the feelings of love and belonging, while remembering that it is the lives and dedications of those who have struggled and come before us that has enabled us to reach this day.  All of this comes together to make the sweetness that much sweeter while it reinforces our responsibility to each other and to the greater goodness of days to come.

Thank you to all who have come before, and thank you to all who are with me today.  Without your love and support, life would be meaningless.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day~

Just Dive In?

This past Saturday, my husband opened the pool for the 12^th time, the 12^th year.  We had the pool built in 2000, it was a dream of both my husband’s and mine to someday own our own, private pool and when we realized we could do it we jumped at the chance (no pun intended). 

Watching the pool as it was being built was such a thrill.  Observing the talent and expertise of those who dug the hole, sculpted the cement, installed the equipment, installed the tile – all of it, from beginning to end was mesmerizing to watch and extremely impressive to behold.  The skill and talent of each and every craftsman was amazing.  Each summer since those early days, we have enjoyed the relaxation, fun and exercise the pool provides; from soaking in the hot tub on a warm summer evening, to swimming laps or just floating around on a hot summer day.  The pool has consistently served as a central meeting place for all of us to enjoy being together.

Twelve years is a long time though.  In the first few years we had the pool, my children were young.   They have since grown and moved along with their lives, but my husband and I hope that the pool always serves as a happy place for all to want to come back to and share long summer days together.  Someday we even hope to enjoy watching our grandchildren playing in the water.
 

This summer will be a bit different than summers gone by in that my son doesn’t live, full time, at home anymore.  He lives hours away.  I will miss the times we would unexpectedly and spontaneously end up chatting about anything and everything as we cooled off in the water.  Remembering how he and my daughter laughed with (and at) me because I could never simply jump into the pool.  They would try to teach me how to just let go and jump….they would show me, but I could never do it.  Inevitably, I would end up sitting on the side of the pool, dangling my legs in the water to get used to the temperature change, and then sliding in ever so carefully - and slowly.  I wish I could make some analogy to my life with that, but when it comes to my life I seem to jump in whenever a major decision is to be made.  Sometimes I end up in over my head, but, as of yet, l haven’t drowned!

Having friends and family over to enjoy the pool is an extra special time.  Some of my most real and penetrating conversations have taken place relaxing in the hot tub; close friends, good food, nice music and a glass of wine.  Something about the long summer days and the comfort of the water just enables everyone to relax and allows for meaningful discussions to flow. 

There have been summers we have watched the night sky change from May through September.  Sitting in the hot tub, night after night, we would look toward the heavens as the stars come out.  Closely and systematically, we would observe the same stars every night as they methodically travelled from one side of our roof, across the house and finally to the top of the trees on the far side of the pool.  Watching their movement is our old fashioned way of noting the passage of time  - the opposite of a sun dial. 

Time, what a funny thing; we measure the days the months, the years.  Events seem forever away, then, in an instant, they are years ago.  So many events were planned while relaxing in the pool.  Cruises, dinners, parties – all of which have come and gone; I wonder what events we will plan this summer that will seem so far away while we plan them.  I guess that’s life!  We live in the now and hope for happy ‘nows’ in the future.  Meanwhile, we are floating through the present.  


Last week I jumped into a new, full-time job unlike how I carefully slip into the pool on a summer day.  I am now in the process of learning to swim along…, just as the shock of cold that strikes when first getting into the pool, a shock that gradually changes to a feeling of refreshing comfort once you’re fully in, I hope the chill that I feel now, with this first introduction into my new job warms to a refreshing comfort that I can really sink into.  I look forward to staying afloat and not making too many waves.  This cold shock of returning to full time work will hopefully settle down soon and I one day I will find myself looking back on these long first days that seem never ending and say, “I can’t believe that was 5 years ago!”

I’ve surely taken the plunge, now I need to exercise and do my laps.  


I wish you all a refreshing day!

Next Sunday is Mother's Day

Sitting here,waiting for my banana/chocolate chip bars to cool, it hit me thatnext Sunday is Mother’s Day.  To me, there is nothing more important thanthe complete honor and total joy of being a Mom.  My daughter and my sonare my heart and soul.  They fillmy world with pride and love every single minute of every single day ~ all yearthrough.

In my gut, ineverything that makes me me, I feel it is I that should give them gifts on thisspecial day; for on this special day I takestock and evaluate myself as a Mom.  My strong points, my weak points, myjoys and my struggles; to me, it’s a take stock, annual evaluation time.  How am I adjusting tothe different situations and experiences that inevitably spring up as timemoves along?  Am I making their lives easier or more difficult?  What do they need to see from me inorder to free them so they may be all they can be?

The stories Ihave written about in this blog over the last year that related to my observancesof young moms and their young children now come to mind.  Those early days,when the stresses of little sleep and 24/7 attention to every aspect of yourchild’s well-being are not that long ago that I forget them, but they are longenough ago that I am wistful.  Remembering the days when they were both home, when I was so very much a part of their lives and they mine, those days that seemed unending...yet, they ended.

My daughter and son are grown now,adults.  They don’t “need” me anymore, although I like to think they valuemy thoughts and feelings – and I believe they do.  When I look at or thinkof each of them - my heart fills with an impossible to ever adequately express love andpride. 

They haveeach become loving, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, truly good-hearted people.  Iwould like to say I had something to do with that, but in reality I believethey had everything to do with it themselves.  Both my husband and I always believed,as my parents taught me, that children should be given the “benefit of thedoubt” and trusted as long as and until they show otherwise.  My childrennever showed otherwise.  Maybe I’m just lucky or maybe people really wouldrather do good things, or maybe it’s a little bit of both, but that structure sure worked for us.

I neverneeded to punish or rein them in; they were actually harder on themselves thanI ever would have been.  They worried about their grades, they worked hard without any coaxing.  I used toask THEM to take a day off from school here or there because I was selfish andenjoyed their company so much. Sometimes they would agree and we would spend the day together andsometimes they would tell me they had to go to school, had important things tobe there for, and I had to acquiesce. No matter what the outcome, it was their decisions that ruled the day.  Even when they were young, they were responsible and trustworthy.

All throughtheir childhood, my favorite place to be was with them.  I never understood how some Mom’sclaimed they needed “their time”. Listening to them, watching them, laughing with them, was always thegreatest most important part of any day. It still is.  And althoughseeing them is no longer a daily occurrence, I am lucky in that they still touchbase (calling myself base here).  Hearing about their day,learning what they are learning and accomplishing, I am happy.

Mother’s Dayis a funny day.  Of course on onehand, I want to be sure to let MY Mom know that I love her and value her.  The traditional appreciation for who mymom has always been to me is worthy of so much love and gratitude and the opportunity to tell her is very important.  I guess I would hope that mychildren would also agree with that sentiment. However, on the other hand, I think the holiday makes too much out ofchildren giving to their Moms.  Itruly believe my children have already given me the most cherished gift of mylifetime, the honor of being their mom. That is all the gift I will ever want or need. Leading happy, fulfilled,healthy lives full of love and positive experiences is the gift I hope theycontinually give through their life experiences.  Lives full ofappreciation for all the magical and wonderful happenings that fill even themost ordinary of days; the willingness to see the smallest good and turn itinto the most exquisite joy.

Watching thembecome who they are has been the most cherished gift of my life.  If I were wealthy, monetarily wealthy,I would take the opportunity to give them all I could to affordthem the freedom of doing the work of their heart’s desire.  Since that monetary wealth is not withinmy grasp, I hope what I have given them is the knowledge that they can andshould pursue their own path and follow that path wherever it may lead.  I hope, selfishly, that one day thepath leads back toward home, toward where my husband and I are, but, if itdoesn’t and they are happy and fulfilled, that is what really matters ~ and Iunderstand and support them. 

When I thinkabout it, when I honestly look inside my heart to grasp how I feel, I realizethat on Mother’s Day I should send each of them, my Lauren and my Michael agift and a card, for they are the most spectacular gifts of my life.  My husband and I may have brought theminto this world, but they have given us the world. 

I hope Laurenand Michael know that I respect, appreciate, love, and value them for who theywere when they were small and for who they are now that they are grown.  I am honored, completely honored, to betheir mother.  I am prouder of themthan I could ever put into words. And, although I know that at times I may get on their nerves with myworries and concerns, I do believe they understand and I believe they know thatI truly do trust their actions and know that they are competent and wise. 

Mother’s Daymay be next Sunday, but honestly, every time I look at or think of my children,it is Mother’s Day to me.

HappyMother’s Day everyone ~ Mom, I love you…. Lauren and Michael…thank you forgiving me the honor of motherhood and for the love that I would never haveknown without you.