A Letter to My Daughter

So many thoughts and feelings are running through my mind and heart, as we get ever closer to your wedding day.  I know I am normally an emotional woman who wears her heart on her sleeve; I can rarely, if ever, hide how I feel.  If I thought I was going to be able to conceal my emotions at this time, wow, was I mistaken.  They bubble up at the strangest times…in the shower, at the register at Five Below, even in my dreams…

The one thing I know for sure, I am absolutely unable to change that part of me.  When I try to ignore the emotions I feel, they just bust through like that proverbial bull in a china shop.  Because of this, I am going to lay my thoughts out here and hope that once they are written, I can be as normal as I ever am.  (Which is no where near normal)

My daughter, in less than a month, will be a bride.  It’s amazing to me, when I look back over the years how quickly they have flown.  It sounds so trite, but it is so true.  Lauren, I remember Dr. Landsberg saying, “10:46, it’s a girl”, like it was yesterday.  Labor, when Pop came in to say he loved me, listening to the Monday morning traffic as it whizzed by my hospital room, all those memories…how can they be from so long ago when I barely remember what I did last week?  My little girl, with the bonnets, to my best friend; you understand me sometimes better than I understand myself (and vice versa).  Since the day you were born, I thank G-d for you and Michael, every single day.  (I really do)

I don’t know why your getting married is so extra emotional?  You already live with your Sweetheart, the love of your life.  And, may I add at this point, that you made a perfect choice.  A little aside to Alex here….as a Mom, I couldn’t have chosen a better husband for Lauren.  I am so thankful, so totally proud and thrilled to welcome you as my newest son.  I love you and hope you know that I am honored to be your mother-in-law.  I hope to not fit into the stereotypical mother-in-law role.  Just know that even though I may be a pain sometimes…and I am certain those times will come…that’s just me being a Mom ~ but always know, I love you.  And always, just be you because it is your love, caring and thoughtfulness that has brought a light to Lauren’s eyes that fills my heart with joy.

Okay, now back to why I feel so extra emotional…I look at you, Lauren, and I see such an amazing woman!  You are smart, you are thoughtful, you are caring, you are funny and you have such a good heart.  And now, you will be a married woman!  Something about that is so deep.  I suppose because Daddy and I have shared so much ~ good times, hard times, happy times, and sad times, but always coming through together.  I see the life and the history that we have made so far and see you and Alex beginning that journey and I realize that you and he together will now truly begin your new, married path.  Even though your history started years ago, now is a new, different kind of start.  You will be husband and wife, and that public, legal commitment does change things.  I don’t know why it does, but it does. 

Our times together, our talks are always without reservation.  I don’t have to hold anything back when I talk to you.  You know my heart and you feel my thoughts.  You always know me and I always know you.  Although that won’t ever change, I want to tell you (even though I know you already know) that you now have a primary responsibility to Alex.  That’s the way it should be and that is the way I want it to be for both of you.  I know that shift happened a long time ago, as it should have, but it is the formality of your wedding day that brings that shift to the forefront. 

I am just so totally thankful that Alex is the man he is.  Aside from the big things he does to make you happy, like up-rooting his job and his home in NY to move to PA; it is the little things I observe like going out of his way to get you a dessert you mentioned you found interesting, bringing you flowers “just like this”, or saving his not spicy tortilla chips so you can soothe your mouth after hot soup…. all without your asking.  It is those actions that fill my heart with more happiness than I can say for I know that you will always have someone by your side that puts you first.  But that only works when you put him first.  And that is what will make your lives together a strong, beautiful, life-long love.

You are my daughter, and that fact fills my heart with a love and pride that only grows stronger and deeper with every second.  From the first time I held you I dreamed of all your milestones.  Well, your wedding day is probably one of the biggest.  Just know that Daddy and I will always be here for you and Alex.   Whatever you both dream, we dream for you.  Whatever you both hope, we hope, too.  Whatever we can do to help or make your path easier, we are here to do so.

You are my precious Lauren.  Thank you for being the most amazing, the most terrific, the most caring and the most perfect daughter.  You have always filled my heart with love and now I look forward to added love with Alex.  I look forward to sharing more milestones as you and Alex thrive together.

Be happy Baby.  Always remember to put Alex first, right up there with you.  Everything and everyone else is after that.  I love you both always.

Me? Thinking clearly?

I was just watching a bit of The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  I haven’t watched his show for a while and I truly forgot how much I enjoy his offbeat humor.  He is hysterical.  Anyway, in the opening segment of his show he reads tweets from viewers and answers their questions, very tongue in cheek.  One viewer wrote in to say they were getting married on Craig’s birthday and going to Scotland, (where Craig is from), for their honeymoon.  The viewer asked Craig for any advice he could give them.  He looked in the camera, tilted his head and with a wry smile answered, “Bring a hat!”

His answer made me laugh!  Bring a hat!  Sensible, but totally unexpected!  The clarity of his suggestion was stunning, and because of that, really funny!  Sometimes, my brain makes things so complicated, swirling ideas in my head that bump into other ideas, which cause me to go off in a totally different direction!  This, wear a hat idea, was so direct, so simple, it was perfection!

Two examples of this direct simplicity have appeared in my life recently and they both caused me see things with so much clarity it was calming!  Sometimes, my weird brain turns simple things into complex situations.  By clearing away the unnecessary debris and confusing side complications and then looking directly at the heart of the situation, things make so much more sense!  

I’m sure I have mentioned that Lauren, my precious daughter, is planning to be married this June.  Preparations have been ongoing for a year but are in ‘full speed ahead’ action now and the excitement and activities are building.  It is a fun, beautiful time and it is wonderful to know that she found the love of her life!   It is also wonderful that my husband and I love, admire and appreciate all the beautiful qualities of our son-in-law to be!!  He not only makes our daughter smile with her whole heart, he is a truly good, smart, caring, thoughtful man.  The love and joy he brings her makes our hearts full and we are so proud and so happy to welcome him into our family.

All this brings me to a situation that happened a few weeks ago.  While searching for a shirt to go with his tux, my husband, Dave, and future son-in-law, Alex went into Nordstrom’s.  My husband automatically went to the clearance rack where he found two shirts, one a bit too small and one a bit too big.  With sincerity, he asked Alex which of the two he should buy.  Alex heard him then easily and clearly stated, “Buy the one that fits”.  Wow.  With one sentence he cleared away confusion and showed Dave and I just how simple it was to do things the right way!  Why make a decision between two wrong choices when, if we just open our eyes, a right option is right in front of us!  Sure enough, not on the clearance rack, but about the same price, a shirt in the right size was sitting right there, just waiting to be purchased.  Alex’s answer was simple, it was perfect, it held no complications, and because of that, the solution was right in front of us.  All we had to do was clear away the unnecessary of what we didn’t need to find what we did.

The same straightforward clarity was brought to my attention at work.  I know I’ve stated before that I now, after years of all different experiences, work retail.  Well, in the course of my present position I am required to obtain emails from our customers.  After each transaction, I would previously ask, “would you like to give an email”, at which time most everyone said, “no”.  My email captures were low even though I truly did ask everyone. 

One day, our District Manager, Craig, was visiting our store.  Unlike Mike, our previous District Manager, when Craig visits it is productive, nice and helpful.  We look forward to his visits now, instead of dreading them with Mike, as we are now helped by his insights.  He brings clarity. 

Our company is stressing the importance of emails, as they are helpful in keeping our customers aware of our sales.  This knowledge is truly helpful to them as, if they think with simplicity; they do want to know what’s coming up because their children want what we have before we sell out!  Our customers’ knowing when our stock includes what they are looking for really is helpful to them!  However, at the check out all they can think about is that their in-box is full and it causes havoc.  Because of this our store’s email captures weren’t great and quite honestly I felt a lot of pressure for our low numbers since I probably handle more weekly transactions than any one individual.  Craig suggested, without lecturing and without blame, just with a smile, that I be simple.  Don’t ask for the email, just say, ‘email????’.  Simple, direct, to the point…and you know what?  It works!  Now everyone in our store does this and we were number 1 in email captures last week!  Amazing the turnaround that came out of such a clear, simple direction! 

Now, how to translate this into all aspects of day-to-day living?  Life is so complicated; there is so much to do and so many considerations to keep in mind each and every step of the way!  When thoughts jumble regarding all the obligations we have with people we love, people we work with, our time and our money constraints ~ it can all be so nerve-wrecking!  How to simplify?  How can we think clearly and cut through all the unnecessary?  How do we keep things on track and give everything the needed attention in its own time?

Simply being in this moment is so helpful.  Taking things one moment at a time, clearing away the debris that enters your head when thinking too far in the future.

I know I have to stop and think in the moment.  What do I need to get accomplished today, then break that down to what needs to be done this morning, this afternoon, this evening?  I know I have to prioritize, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed because EVERYTHING seems of such vital importance!  But, all it really takes is to de-clutter.  Just like I am trying to get better at throwing things away that are no longer relevant, I have to keep remembering to throw thoughts away that are no longer relevant.

Just like not looking at shirts in the wrong size and expecting that wrong size to somehow be right…or not making a request for emails so much more complicated than it is, looking at what is in front of me right now helps clear away the myriad of plans and activities that jumble in my head when I think of all that is coming up.  The jumble that keeps me from seeing clearly and accomplishing what needs to be accomplished! 

So, make things simple.  Clear away the unnecessary and get to the heart of the issue, and, never forget to laugh at the simplicity of life.  Like Craig Ferguson says, it comes down to when traveling where it rains,  “bring a hat”.

I Never Learned the Song

In my mind's eye, I can imagine my Great-Grandmother, although I never met her as she lived in the mid to late 1800’s in Russia.  Although my Great-Grandfather had good profession, a tailor, it must have been a very difficult life.  As a Jewish family there were extra hardships that they endured besides the reality that life itself was not easy.

My Dad often told me a story about a song my Great-Grandmother made up, a lullaby, that she would sing to her children at night when she put them to bed.  It was a song he knew well from his father…. also a man that I don’t remember as he passed away when I was two years old. 

This special song was sung in Yiddish, the language my father’s family mostly used when communicating. Whenever I would ask, my Dad, who had a really lovely voice, would sing the song to me, translating the words afterward.  Sadly, I never learned the song well enough to sing it myself.  (Not that my singing holds any talent)  The song, my Dad used to tell me, expressed the love of my Great-Grandmother for her children.  It softly conveyed how she wished them good health and strength.  The song went on to say how her love would be with them always and that she would keep them safe with everything she had in her.  All of her children had the memory of this song deep in their hearts forever.

Many years later, my Grandfather left Russia for a better life in “The Land of Opportunity”, America.  My Grandfather had fallen in love with my Grandmother, a woman who worked in the tailor shop of my Great-Grandfather.  Because of their love, he was forced out of the business.  In those days, status was held in very high importance and my Great Grandfather did not approve of my Grandfather marrying someone from what he considered to be a “lower” status.  My Great Grandfather as a sign of his disapproval blacklisted my Grandfather and my Grandmother from working in the tailoring business, the only business they knew.  Since they were unable to find work; they were forced to leave their home.

My Grandfather came to the United States first and opened his own tailor/manufacturing shop in Philadelphia.  He became a “Yankee Doodle Dandy”.  From everything I have learned of my Grandfather, he was a character.   He loved having the biggest, newest car on the block; he adored his children, and loved life in America.  I wish I could have known him.  I am sure that a lot of my Dad’s vivaciousness and warmth came from him.  The one thing my Grandfather perpetuated from his younger days, however, was the lullaby his mother sang to him.  My Dad told me that he sang the lullaby to him, his brother and sister and that when he did, he would have a wistful look, as if he was channeling his own mother.

When WWII broke out, my Grandfather still had family in Europe.  His nephew, Saul, unbeknownst to my Grandfather, was taken to a Concentration camp with his wife and daughters.  My father served in the army in WWII, but he never mentioned whether or not he realized that close family was being held in the Nazi camps.  Of course, being Jewish, there was a feeling of family in general, but of close relatives, I don't know if my Dad knew of them.

As it turned out, Saul suffered unimaginable loss in the camp.  His wife and daughters were slaughtered in front of him, but somehow, he managed to survive.  After the war, he knew he had an Uncle who lived on the east coast, somewhere, in the United States of America.  He found the means to make it here and started his quest to find his Uncle Joseph.

In those days, telephones weren’t in every home…they were in candy stores or other stores down the block.  Children would earn a penny running to someone’s house to tell them they had a phone call.  Saul took any job he could find as he searched for my Grandfather.  He worked his way along the East Coast calling every Joseph Snyder along his way.  He searched and searched as he took various jobs, moving from area to area.  He had learned the importance of family and needed to belong to one once again.

Finally, unfortunately I never learned how long it took him; Saul called the right Joseph Snyder.  Now, my Grandfather had “made-it” by his standards.  He had a successful manufacturing shop and felt like a wealthy man.  He didn’t know of any nephew that he had, let alone one that had been forced to suffer such horror as Saul did in the Nazi Concentration Camps.  (I remember seeing the numbers on Saul's arm, the "branding" of the concentration camp was with him his entire life.)  When my Grandfather was told there was a call for him from someone claiming to be his nephew, he was skeptical, to say the least.

Thankfully, my Grandfather took the phone call.  Saul must have told him all the names of his family in Russia, many of whom my Grandfather knew and many he had never known.  My Grandfather thought this could be some type of swindle…. he wanted proof, somehow some proof, that Saul was indeed his nephew.

It was then that Saul said, "I know something no one but Mishbukha,(family) would know, something that can make you feel sure I am who I say I am."  With that said, he started singing the lullaby that my Great-Grandmother had made up so many, many years ago in such a different world.  After hearing the first few lines of the song, my Grandfather joined in and together they finished the well loved lullaby.  He knew, from that miracle of a song, that Saul was his nephew and Saul was welcomed into the family from that day forward.

Before my Dad passed, I wish I would have learned to sing that oh so special lullaby. I can hear my Father’s voice, gentle, loving, but I don’t remember any of the words because it was more of a melody to me as the Yiddish was something I never learned.  My Dad’s sister, my Aunt Elsie, also knew the song and during one visit to her at her home on the bay, she sang it to me and my husband…. getting that same look in her eye that my Dad did.  They must have heard their father’s voice in their heads, as he heard his mother’s voice in his.  But, they learned the song and kept it going. 

Writing this blog is my way of keeping that very special song alive.  I may not know the words, but I understand the emotion of my Great-Grandmother ~ wanting to keep your children safe…and look how that song ended up keeping her grandson safe in some way in the end ~ helping him find his Uncle. 

I will always regret not learning the lullaby, and there is no way I could ever learn it now as everyone who sang it is gone.  Always take the time to learn from those you love while they are with you.  I will always wish I had learned to sing my Great-Grandmother’s song ~ I hope this blog honors her and in some way keeps her song, and her love, alive.