Getting Older

Aging is a weird thing.  When you’re very young, every birthday is so exciting, so exciting that you even count in fractions as you approach a new, larger number!  As I’ve grown older I think back to those very young days and even the “medium” young days and hope I appreciated them for what they were truly worth.  Promise, hope, potential, vitality, optimism; all of these things are so prominent, so to the front of everything when youth is yours.

I guess I’m having a mid-life crisis, although, who am I kidding, mid-life passed me by about 10 years ago.  After all, I don’t believe reaching the ripe old age of 108 is very realistic.  But, it is hitting me that there are things now that I always wanted to do, always thought there would be time for, that I will never accomplish.

For example, I always wanted to be either a therapist or a lawyer.  Now, I know these two things sound like they are polar opposites, and maybe they are, but they always held a special appeal to me.  I truly do love people.  I love being around people, I love talking with people, learning different ideas, and I would love to have the ability and time to listen to others and try to help them sort things out so they may lead more fulfilling, happy lives. I know lawyers get a bad rap, but I think to a large extent, many of them feel that same inner goal.  They help those without a voice gain a voice.  They help those without power fight back when they were wronged.  So, maybe, they really aren’t all that different at their core.  But, the reality truly struck me the other day that I am out of time; I will never be either of those professions.

I don’t know if my experience of youth is that different from anyone else’s experience, but I know that when I was young, I guess because up until you're older the only thing you’ve known is youth, I thought I would always be young.  I thought there would always be time.  Then, suddenly, there I am in the check out line at the grocery store and the young man asks, “Will that be paper or plastic, Ma’am?”  This young man, being so very polite, sees me as an older lady, no ands, ifs or buts, an older lady.  I say paper but in my head I’m screaming, wait…I’m not a ma’am, I’m a miss!!  But, I don’t scream it or even whisper it because I’m not.

My husband and I are starting to think about downsizing the house.  I probably mentioned it before in another blog, but it is becoming more focused and real now.  We even began the process, albeit in a very tiny step, this weekend by cleaning out a buffet in the dining room.  We made piles of things to sell, things to keep and things to throw away.  That last pile is very difficult for me.  I become attached to things, to the memories they hold; a chipped sugar bowl that I will never use again, but that conjures up thoughts of dinners when my Lauren and Michael were so very young and we were all together every day.  I do know that throwing away the sugar bowl isn’t throwing away the memories, but it is a trigger to those memories that I don’t want to lose.  So, I have a deal with my husband…I hand him certain items without saying a word and he quietly disposes of them.

We started in the dining room because it is the easiest room of all.  I dread going through the basement.  Our basement is full of all the things that I didn’t have the heart to get rid of, although I no longer needed them, as the years moved along.  We moved into this house a bit over 18 years ago, so for all that time things have accumulated down there.  My daughter and son’s old toys, cribs, bedroom furniture, art work, beanie babies, games, clothes, the list goes on and on.  I suppose I could go through things one box at a time, but I know that this will be the most difficult of all.  Every other move we made we went from a smaller home to a larger one, I didn’t need to scale down.  The goal of this move is to do exactly that, scale down.  How do I do it?

In 2000, we had an in ground pool built in our backyard.  In the beginning it was just great fun for the family, but as time moved along and my children grew older, I began to think of it as a great place for them to bring their kids, the grandchildren I look forward to knowing.  A place where we would all enjoy beautiful summer days together.  But, do I stay in the house forever for those few days a year?  Can my husband continue to take care of the pool as we get older, not to mention the expense!  And that doesn’t even take the lawn itself into consideration, its care and maintenance.  And cleaning this house, I can’t keep up!  I vacuum, sweep, mop, dust, and never seem to have the chance to do the heavy cleaning that is needed. 

The house, like me, is aging.  The systems that run need maintenance, the roof needs attention, the air-conditioner doesn’t seem to cool as well. Let’s face it - the house needs new, energetic, enthusiastic owners.  Besides the fact that with our children not here most of the time, my husband and I only use the kitchen, the bedroom the bathroom and the living room…all other spaces all places I simply walk through.  My Mom’s ‘edifice’ as we call it, consists of her living room, bedroom and bathroom.  We do sit in there, too, and enjoy her company – but the majority of the house is simply collecting dust.

So, aging is a weird thing.  It creeps up so slowly.  One minute you’re doing the back to school thing, filling out forms, waiting at bus stops, the next you’re buying vitamins at the grocery store and being called “Ma’am”!  It happens in a heartbeat.  I can only imagine how fast, if I’m lucky enough to still be here, the next 30 years will go.  Each coming decade, each number that arrives now, is not as much exciting as it is something to be grateful for reaching.  With each “big” birthday there is no denying that I am no longer young.  When I was in my forties, I could deny it, no more.

But, as someone once said, today I am younger than I will ever be going forward!  So, I will be thankful for each minute, try to live in this minute, since no one is guaranteed the next.  I will never be a therapist or a lawyer, but I am who I am.  I am a person who loves to write, so I write.  I am a person who loves people, so I surround myself with them as much as possible.  I am a person who supports candidates who respect ALL people and who have, as their goal, the fairness of a society that works well for everyone.  After all, we all only have one life to live.  (Obama/Biden 2012!) But, most importantly, I am a person who loves her children and the family that my husband and I have made.  THAT is the most important thing in my life and I must say, that is something I believe I have done extremely well.

My Cousin and I

Did you ever have someone in your life that you could say anything to, and it would be understood and okay? I am lucky beyond belief in that I have always had such a person – from the moment I was born, my cousin, Ellen. 

I spoke with Ellen, this morning. I can honestly say I never remember a time when she wasn’t in my life as a confidante, a friend, a ‘sister’, a helper and an on-the-spot therapist.  Her strength, honesty, selflessness, and love are apparent in everything she does and to everyone she encounters.

When we were young, very young, our Grandparents would babysit for us when our Moms went out shopping.  (Our Moms are sisters, and also best friends)  We made doll houses out of paper and cotton balls, we danced in circles to Mickey Katz records – check it out…..here or here or here.  We laughed from morning to night.

If you listen to the link above, you’ll be able to imagine how hard we laughed as we danced around our Grandparents living room.  The laughter and joy we shared, as young girls, only grew deeper and more meaningful as we grew older.  I could go on for hundreds of pages describing all the times we shared, good, bad, worried, joyful…. every life experience.  Through it all, if I needed her, she was there in a heartbeat. 

We live too far apart to see each other as often as either of us would like, and our schedules don’t permit us to talk all the time like we did when we were young; but, when we do talk it is straight from the heart.  To each other, there is no need to couch anything, hide anything, or exclude anything.  She knows every flaw I have and loves me anyway…how lucky is that?

If every person in the world could have someone like my cousin in her life, there would be more laughter and joy in this world and less hate and distrust.  When I’m down or worried I know all I have to do is call her.  Just talking with her allows me to breath again because she tells me when I’m off the wall (which is frequent) and she tells me when I’m not. 

I don’t think I tell her often enough how much she means to me but she has made my life richer each and every day.  I just finished a wonderful book that made me think about the different relationships in my life.  I am truly grateful for the many, many people that I love and care about ~ my family, my friends, every one holds a special place in my heart.  In time, I will write about each of them. However, the sister of my soul is my cousin.

If the world were full of Ellens, it would certainly be a more beautiful place.  

Appreciate those in your life that have stuck by you through thick and thin.  If you are fortunate to have such a person or even luckier, persons like this, I hope you know how lucky you are.  I know I do.

Smoothing The Wrinkles of Yesterday

I just finished making the bed.  As I was removing the old sheets and smoothing the freshly washed ones across the mattress I thought of the importance of freshening life up by airing it out and making a clean change, taking a fresh look.

So many effects come together to hold us in the same place from day to day keeping us from airing ourselves out, opening up our hearts.  When closed to new possibilities, our hearts, thoughts, and goals get as musty and wrinkled as an unmade bed.  We sleep, toss, turn and dribble in the same beliefs from day to day, year to year.  Without shaking things up and letting the breeze blow through, we wallow in the sameness; even our dreams become stale.  If we don’t take a look at the frayed trim we can’t fix it.  At this point in my life, I am attempting to strengthen my frayed edges and not let my dreams become stale.

The expression, “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it”, is really very true.  We all have to accept the consequences of our choices, actions, decisions, and thoughts.  One particular turn years ago may have had unforeseen consequences.  Sometimes, merely cleaning up cannot erase some actions – the results may be irreversible.  But, even in those circumstances, we can air what has been done and resolve to not do the same thing again.  We can speak to people we may have hurt, hug people we love, and comfort people in pain.  We can listen with more than our ears and feel with more than our fingertips.

Due to circumstances beyond my control in 2009 (an owner of a company putting corporate profits into drugs and draining the company dry) I was left unemployed at a time when the economy was not the best.  That particular action put me to bed with the necessity of forging a fresh start.  Although I was earning a very nice living at my prior position, I never enjoyed the work, only the people I worked with.  I rarely felt as though I was contributing anything positive to the world through my work there.  (I did feel positive at my prior company where I thoroughly enjoyed the work AND the people, what a blessing that was.)  The fact that I did it every workday shows that I had my price, something I am not particularly proud of.

However, being forced away from all that handed me a golden opportunity.  I was involuntarily pushed to air myself out and take a fresh look at my surroundings.  It could be stated that I was thrown out of bed.  After landing on the floor, I pulled off the old sheets and took a long look at the decades old mattress.  Like life, it wasn’t a bed of roses that stared back at me.  After a long look I could see beyond the tattered covering and feel a healthy strength of support, something we all desperately need at one time or another.  People who believe they don’t need any support should try sleeping without a mattress once in awhile – truth hurts.

Life happens, but dreams happen, too, even when those dreams fall into ruts.  We need to harness our dreams and use them to create positive, productive changes before they grow stale.  Just as flipping a mattress erases the grooves that have become traps you fall into, sometimes life needs to be flipped to get you on a fresh path that will lead you to a new beautiful destination.

Many of us have a comfy bed – and we should enjoy it, but just think how much better that bed will feel after spending part of the day helping those who may have fallen onto a bed of nails.  Helping others, offering a smile to someone who is down or needs assistance, can cultivate your own pleasant dreams and beautiful future.  Smiling is contagious, and that is one contagion we should try to catch and pass along.  It may even keep us from “waking up on the wrong side of the bed”, which is never a happy experience for yourself or anyone you come in contact with during the day.

When I make my bed in the morning now, I will be thinking about what qualities I want to tuck in safely and which ones I want to wash away.  There are only so many nights we all get to sleep on this side.  If I can keep the finite nature of life in mind, like the life of a good mattress, I will keep my dreams vibrant, my backbone strong, and my life fresh and new.   

Lovely pillows and soft sheets are wonderful and help make a bed beautiful, just as lovely thoughts and kind words can make your world beautiful.  Using them all well and often will hopefully keep us all safely, happily tucked in and enable us to share a world full of ever changing possibility.

A Birthday Filled Week!

This is the beginning of an important, meaningful, loving week for me.  This week holds two very special birthdays ~ my amazing daughter, Lauren’s, birthday and my terrific brother, Freddie’s, birthday, both born on the same day 31 years apart.  They both also share that birthday with my brother’s friend since his childhood through today (which is more than a few years!!).  These birthdays give me the chance to honor these beautiful people who mean so much.

My daughter is absolutely one of the nicest, most honest, funny, kind-hearted, thoughtful people I know.  From the moment she was born she made the sunshine brighter and my world sweeter.  She loves so strongly - with her whole heart, deeply and sincerely, and will go to the ends of the earth for those she cares about.  I remember being told by many people, when I was about to give birth to my son, that many children feel jealous of a younger sibling and that I should be cognizant of that possibility.  I didn’t believe that fit with her personality, but my husband and I took care to have a “Big Sister” shirt ready and some special toys for her when we brought the baby home.  Those preparations were completely unnecessary.

Lauren adored her brother from the second he was born.  She would ask to hold him whenever he was awake.  I remember being a little worried, (after all, it is me) that his head not be supported or he would fall when she held him as she was only a little girl herself.  But she would sit so carefully on the sofa…. there was no need to worry.  I remember her singing her songs to him, waiting with her arms outstretched so she could hold him tight.  Carefully, I would place my son in her arms and she would support his head with her arm and cradle him closely.  She would barely breath as she wouldn’t want to disturb him.  I never remember him crying when she held him, not once.  I know he felt the love and care she had for him, as she does to this very day.  There was never a time I can think of when the two of them fought.  When they were little, she was like a mother hen watching out for him ~ feeding him Cheerios, playing with him, showing him off.  Now that they are both adults, they support each other, stand up for each other, respect each other and certainly love each other.  It does a Mom’s heart good to watch them together.  I know the pride and love they hold for each other and they are my treasure.  She is as wonderful a sister as she is a daughter and she truly makes my every day filled with joy and gratitude.

So, with my daughter’s birthday just a few days away, my heart is completely filled with love, pride and admiration.  She is strong, smart, and so full of goodness.  She is madly in love with her boyfriend and I believe he knows and appreciates her for the wonderful woman she is.  That mutual respect makes her Dad and I very happy. 

To my precious, precious daughter – I love you with all my heart and wish you a birthday, a year, and a lifetime full of all the love and happiness you bring to the world.  Your smile brightens my world ~ thank you for being you.  Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

My brother’s birthday is also this Thursday.  I am a lucky girl in that I have two wonderful brothers who always looked out for me, as I was “the baby”.  I am a very old baby at this point…

My brother, Freddie, is five years older than me.  When we were young, that seemed huge, but now, not so much.   Through life’s ups and downs, I always know I can count on my brother to be there for me.  He is hysterically funny, incredibly warm-hearted, and his salesmanship talents remind me so much of our Dad.  He is now a grandfather and is so head-over-heels in love with his granddaughter that it makes my heart smile.  (And his granddaughter is truly an amazing little girl – she makes everyone’s heart smile!)

My brother and I have shared so many crazy and wonderful times.  There were funny times when he took me for my driving test and watched in horror as I couldn’t get out of the parking spot to start the test!  Then he watched as I pulled over on the curb when the policeman was ready to ask me the test questions.  He was all ready to console me when I shocked him by jumping out of the car screaming;” I passed!!” “I passed”!!  He would NOT let me drive home!  He was there for my other brother and our family and we were there for each other through devastating loss and incredibly heart-wrenching times.  Other life changes and unexpected difficulties that life sometimes brings were always made more bearable with a tight hug.  During my Dad’s various surgeries and other health issues we would sit and worry together in more hospital waiting rooms than I care to think about.  We would talk things over and make decisions.  We didn’t always agree, but we always knew we had only the very best of intentions, and together, with my Mom and my brother, Ronnie, we would make decisions. 

We laughed together when we were kids and enjoyed Sundays at home, family day, as it was the only day of the week my Dad didn’t go to his store. On Sundays we would watch the Eagles’ games with the family, cheer and scream at the TV during away games, freeze and eat at Veterans Stadium during the home games.  No matter what is going on, I always know my brother is there for me.  He is looking out for me and I always look forward to times spent with him.  I love my brother very much.  Happy Birthday Freddie!

And this year I want to give another happy birthday wish to a man who is probably my brother’s best friend, Cliff.  Cliff and Freddie have known each other for close to 50 years.  Hearing them sing together is a treat ~ “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”.  They have always supported each other, as friends do, through good and difficult times.  Cliff is going through some rough times now and I want to wish him a happy birthday and hope this year treats him and his wife and family well.

So, with these three people sharing a very special birthday, I want the world to know that this Thursday marks a day that brought goodness, laughter, sunshine and love to our world.  They say good things come in threes…I must say, especially in this instance, I find that to be very true!

It’s Been a Long Time

As those of you who follow my blog know, it has been a very long since I have written.  The last time I added a blog to this site was when my back went out, and that blog I could write because it was about pain.  Although the pain in my back, thankfully, subsided, once it was gone I still found myself totally empty and unable to put two thoughtful sentences back to back.  All creativity had been wiped from my heart.  The only thing I can attribute that inability to these last few months is the negativity and nastiness of the surroundings I found myself in for five very long days a week.

I won’t mention the name of the company I entered into full time employment with back in May, but I will say that I believed that going back to work in a professional, corporate atmosphere would automatically land me in a place where the co-workers were accepting and helpful and where the day would be pleasantly spent being productive and part of a team.  I truly looked forward to that experience, as it was what I had found at EVERY work place I had ever worked in prior to this time.   I was willing to be paid “crap” to be part of that once again.  Every one of my prior corporate work experiences held the prospect of working together and of a unique relationship with my co-workers that produced many of my long time friends.  These former co-workers are people who I honestly cherish as part of my life to this day ~ even though we haven’t worked together for many years!

However, this last place was unique in that I didn’t speak to one person who was happy there.  Most people shunned me from day one.  As a newcomer at each prior new adventure, I was welcomed from day one with a group lunch and a few welcoming words from everyone. This first day welcoming was always followed by invitations to join co-workers for lunch, emails with a friendly hello, something…this place…nothing!  Groups of women would walk by my desk and go to lunch or go to the kitchen for coffee without glancing sideways.  My assigned “mentor” would go out with two ladies every day.  Not once did she invite me along.  Only two people even bothered to notice me and both of them understood and felt as I did, only they could accept this daily existence as, like my Mother always said, ‘you get used to hanging if you hang long enough’. 

I didn’t want to get used to hanging.

My mentor even told me, at one point, to only respond to personal texts from my children or husband during the day by going to the ladies room and closing the door.  The company frowned on any contact with home during work hours.  The company did not want “chit chat” from one worker with another.  One woman stopped by my desk (one of the rare friendly women that I mentioned above) during the day to ask how my back was feeling.  Just at that time, a Vice-President of the company walked by and offered a glare of disapproval.  The women scurried back to her desk and sent me an email stating there was an SOP (standard operating procedure) memo that strictly prohibited idol talk and having been seen at my cubicle she was definitely flustered.  Now, this is a sick way to run a company and an even worse way to exist five days a week.

Every Sunday, I would enter into a depressed state knowing I had five days looming before me at this place.  My husband was putting up with me, but it had reached the point where he and I agreed this couldn’t go on much longer.  I kept trying to hold out another week – maybe it would get better.  But, it only became worse. 

Two weeks ago on a Monday morning, I was summoned into a Director’s office to be informed that since 3 people had suddenly left the group on the third floor, they decided that since I was the newest employee, I should go up to that department.  (No one in management wanted to consider REASONS why people were leaving the upstairs department in huge numbers every week!)  Please note that this upstairs department was one in which I had been warned about even prior to taking the job.  I was offered no choice.

What could I say?  I bit my lip and murmured something to the effect of, it’s not up to me, so I will go, and left her office.  It was actually rather funny that this job change was ordered that particular morning as on my drive in I asked for guidance on what to do, for a sign…and then, miraculously, one was given.

I was ordered to transition the studies I had been working on and move to the new position on August 6.  During the transition, I was also informed that I would be receiving training for the new position the last 3 days before the formal transition date.  During the training by a pleasant young woman who was leaving, I inquired about the job.  She looked at me and simply said, “I am glad to be leaving”.  She then directed me to speak with two other people in the department.  I went to them and asked them if their mother was offered this position what advice would they give her?  They told me to run like hell.  Decision made.

Last Friday, I offered my two-week notice to my Director, a woman who had never been welcoming, pleasant, helpful or friendly during one minute of my twelve-week stint working for her.  Being that I would be in training these last two weeks, I believed she would tell me to exit stage left…she not only told me go, she walked me out.  It was the most she had done for me since my starting day!

I returned to working retail at Five Below on Monday with the difference that I now appreciate it so very much!  People exist!  There are people in the world to speak to, to learn from ~ my co-workers are supportive, helpful, friendly and kind!  The customers are funny, easy, difficult and crabby but it doesn’t matter – they are all people and all can be a wonderful contribution to a day full of life!  I can laugh again….I can write again!!

It is good to be back in the world of the living!  I hope I never lose my appreciation and thanks for my good friend, Lisa, who welcomed me back!  What a wonderful blessing it is to welcome each day without a pit in my stomach.

Enjoy the day ~ the days strung together make up your life, and life is too short to be unhappy!

Ouch!!

I’ve worked for over a year and a half at a job where I was bending, lifting, stretching, schlepping, moving and stacking and all was well.  I was tired, but I could point to why.  I started my new job, a desk job, about 7 weeks ago.  I come in, I sit, I type, I sit, I eat, I sit…my back went out.  Now, when I say my back went out, I don’t mean a little backache that two Advil will vanish. No, I mean a backache where movement is impossible.

Friday morning I woke up, after struggling with minor to medium back issues the entire week, with a back spasm.  The spasm passed and so I ventured into the shower hoping the warm water would make everything better and I could head to work.  I showered, dried my hair and although in some discomfort, I thought it was manageable, so, I went, slowly, to the kitchen to make my morning coffee.  I cleaned the coffee grounds, poured a cup and started the walk up the stairs to put on my make-up.  Half way up, a spasm hit that literally threw me to the floor writhing in pain.  I have no idea how I managed to put my full coffee cup down on the step above me, not spilling a drop.  (Not that it really mattered; my carpets are ruined from my dog).  I couldn’t move.  The slightest inch of motion set my back into non-stop spasms that took my breath away, not in a good way.  I broke out in a sweat.  My husband ran from the kitchen to help me and I must have awakened my daughter as she came out of her room to see what was going on.  For over 20 minutes I remained on that middle step, couldn’t go up, couldn’t go down.  Finally, I slithered to the first floor then crawled on hands and knees, slowly and extremely painfully to the sofa. 

I was clueless about how I was going to get myself off the floor and onto the sofa.  But, with motions slower than a 100-year-old woman, I lifted one hand, then the other to the couch.  I braced for the pain.  With my feet finally touching the ground, as opposed to my knees, I pushed off and found myself half on, half off the way too soft cushions.  My sofa, the sofa I fell in love with for its soft comfort, was suddenly painfully soft. It took about five minutes, but I finally cornered myself into the nook of the sofa, the very spot where the arm meets the cushions.  I was upright, in agony, but upright.

All of this happened and it was only 7:15 in the morning.  I called my doctor’s office only to learn they didn’t open for another hour.  I realized I had to call out of work.  Like I said, this is a new job and I honestly had not expected to miss any time at this early stage.  Luckily, I had put all the necessary numbers into my IPhone, so I called and left messages for all concerned.

Now it was just a matter of waiting for the doctor’s office to open.  As the minutes crawled by, I eventually made it to the magical minute.  I called and the nurse said, “Hold please”.  There was no choice in the matter.  So, there I sat, on my too soft sofa, the spasms coming and sometimes going, and I held on – for dear life.

When she finally came back on the line I told her of my distress.  She looked up my records and said I hadn’t been in to see the doctor in about a year and that he probably wouldn’t be able to do anything because of that.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I was in no mood.  I told her I have been going to this doctor for over 20 years and that I have NEVER called like this.  I continued by asking her what she thought I should do?  Just remain in agony? Her tone became quite combative when she said, begrudgingly, that she would speak to the doctor and that I should try the pharmacy in an hour to see if anything was called in.  That was it.  She hung up.

So, there I was, still in agony, after having survived the hour waiting for the doctor’s office to open only to learn that I needed to wait another hour to see if the doctor would do anything for me!  I held back the tears.

Being the impatient person I am, I waited about 37 minutes, not that I was counting.  I couldn’t wait anymore soI called the pharmacy, it was 10 minutes to nine.  A recording!  The pharmacy didn’t open until 9:00! 

Forced to wait now, I told my daughter and husband to do what they needed to do and just leave me with the house phone and my cell.  Once alone I realized I should turn the television on, maybe it would pass the time, but, the remote was across the room. 

Cautiously, but determinedly, I inched my legs further toward the front edge of the sofa cushion.  Then, with one hand on the arm and the other on the seat, I pushed myself to a standing position.  I did it!  I was standing - like a real person!  I took a step, then another until I slowly reached the remote, which was sitting in front of the television (which come to think of it is a really silly place to keep the remote.)

I bent to get it – BIG MISTAKE!!  HUGE MISTAKE!!  GIGANTUAN MISTAKE!!  The spasms started again, one after another, I didn’t know what to do.  All I could feel was the pain, the waves of excruciating horror that rendered me useless once again.

It felt like hours but it was only about 2 minutes until the spasms let up long enough for me to fall back onto the sofa.  Afraid to breathe, I waited until 9 AM.

Once the time arrived, I called.  A man with a charming Russian accent answered the phone.  I told him my sad story and asked if there was a prescription waiting for me.  I held my breath, hope in my heart, until he came back on the phone to tell me there was nothing!  Nothing!!

I thanked him for checking and hung up.  I called my doctor’s office again.  A different nurse picked up and she told me the doctor said he would call something in, but that he was with a patient and I should just be patient.  I asked her how long she thought it would be.  She said to give him a half hour.  ANOTHER HALF HOUR!

I waited, I called the pharmacy, the doctor hadn’t called anything in.  I called the doctor back.  The first nurse answered again.  She seemed surprised that someone had told me he would call something in.  I told her to please check because I was in agony.  She put me on hold, came back and told me he had just called it in – then she hung up.

I called the pharmacy again and the gentleman with the Russian accent answered once again.  It was as if he had no idea about my story!  I went through the whole thing again and he told me to hold on.  He checked and said to me – “No, there is nothing here for a Michael…Michael- my son’s name!  How did he get that?  I had to correct him and he looked again, no, nothing.  I hung up; maybe it was just too soon after the doctor’s call.  More time passed…I called back and miracle of miracles the prescription was called in – but it would take about a half hour to fill!

My husband went to the pharmacy to wait so it wouldn’t take an extra second.  He called me from there to say he told the Russian man to let him know when it was ready.  (There was no one in the store).

As he was waiting there, our phone rang….it was the pharmacy.  The pharmacist, a woman, was calling to tell me the prescription had been phoned in.  I told her I knew and that my husband was already at the pharmacy waiting.  Oy.  When I hung up, my husband called immediately and said he couldn’t believe it when he heard her talking to me!  Finally, he came back with muscle relaxers.  Hopeful that one pill would untie the knot that was in my back I swallowed the large pink pill and waited.  Nothing.

My daughter read that I could take Advil with it.  I took two. 

Disheartened, frustrated and in pain I waited.  The pill was to be taken 3 times a day.  My brother was coming to pick up my mother for a weeklong vacation at the beach.  I didn’t want him to see me in my horrible pajamas looking awful, so I bravely went upstairs, slowly and carefully. 

The pills worked in the long run, well enough that I am at least functioning.  It’s now Tuesday, 4 days since that horrendous morning, and I am at work, in my chair, still careful, still hurting, but able to move.  I long for the day when I can just be normal again – a day when the pain in my back is gone. 

To all those who suffer with back pain on a regular basis, you have my respect, sympathy and awe.  The horrific pain causes me to feel useless and lethargic.  I don’t want to risk any movement and that can’t be good for my back – or any part of me – in the long run.

I think maybe working at a desk job may just be hazardous to my health. 

I will never again take feeling normal for granted.  Losing the ability to cross the room, climb the stairs, get dressed – they can go so quickly and easily.  Appreciate health, value and cherish it, for without it, no matter how much money you have, you are broke – literally and figuratively.

Another Day.....Another Email Trail.....

The following is an actual email trail between my husband and I from earlier today.  I know I have not had the opportunity to write on AWomansRoom as often as I had before because of my new full time position.  Becoming adjusted to the job is more of a struggle than anticipated.  Some days, all creativity is sapped from my body, but today I went a little crazy......

Read and please enjoy:

My Husband wrote:  I could use a cookie or 2 right now – I am so hungry!!

I responded:  Did you eat your granola bar?

My Husband wrote:  Yes – I ate that at 10:00!!

I responded:  Hmmmmmm....nothing else hanging around?  You have lunch at noon though, right?  It's only 39 minutes away....not that I'm counting or anything!

My Husband wrote: I can wait until 12:00 – 

I responded:  You may faint from starvation.  Have some fish. 

My Husband wrote:  Ha Ha Fish!!

I responded:  Fish is a dish for which I wish – think there’s a fish knish?

My Husband wrote:  Oy vey!!

I responded:  What can I say...I’ve lost my mind

My Husband wrote: A mind is a terrible thing to waste!

I responded: 

Very true.

Very true…..

I think my mind….

Fell on my shoe……

It’s on my shoe

And now I’m blue

I have no clue

What I should do!

My Husband wrote:  Oy!

I responded:  

Oy is what you said to me

Oy you said so casually

You did not say oh my or such

You used oy as a true crutch

Now I sit here and mull your word

It’s actually a bit absurd

To hear that word in this place

Is like a fish flying through space

It has no place, no meaning here

No one would “get it”..that is clear

They’d think it odd, weird or strange

They’d think I was quite deranged

Perhaps I am, yes, it might be true

And so I’ll say ‘oy’ right back to you!

This is what happens when a new job stresses me out......

Hopefully I'll have more time to write a blog soon!!

Two Sides To Every Coin

Life is so strange sometimes.  Today is Memorial Day.  To some it’s a day of barbeques, the welcoming of summer fun, sunshine and good food; to others, it’s a day of remembering loved ones lost in one horrific war or another, a day of tributes and visiting grave sites.  How can one holiday have two such divergent meanings?  That question popped into my head this morning when I was looking at my Facebook page of all things.  Some friends were talking and sharing pictures of fun on the beach while others where sharing pictures of a woman lying across the ground crying in front of a tombstone.  How can it be that both are such perfect images of the day? 

This weekend has been very relaxing, fun, and full for me.  Although I didn’t have the opportunity to spend it with my children, I did share it with so many people who mean so much to me.  On Saturday, with cousins visiting from California, we met at my Aunt’s house and talked, hugged and laughed for hours.  There is a unique love and acceptance that comes with family.  We have a shared history that simply exists and is deep in the heart and soul of each of us.  We all have our favorite stories, but each of the stories has their basis in the same reality, the same loving and supportive background.  We miss the same people; we cherish our shared years.  Time and distance may have pushed us to opposite ends of the country, but the cord is still there, and I am so thankful for it.

Yesterday, my husband and I spent the day with close, loving friends; two people who we have only known for five or six years, but who have become an integral part of our lives.  We talked in the pool, enjoyed good food and refreshing pina coladas made by my husband.  The afternoon flew by with good discussions.  Memorial Day weekend was two thirds through.

Today is more of a quiet day.  I am looking forward to just relaxing out back, soaking in some sun, and maybe reading a bit ~ doing nothing, which is sometimes everything.  I have this day off to celebrate the millions of people who lost their lives in various wars throughout our history.  I think of my Dad, who fought in WWII.

 It always amazed me that even toward the end of his days, when so many other memories were cloudy or lost, that his memories of his time in the army were vivid.  What an impression those years made on him.  How would his life have been different had there not been a war?  Without serving, would he have been the same man?  Of course he wouldn’t have been.  Our experiences big and small shape who we are, so through his changes, am I different than I would have been?  Are there parts of his history that altered the way he interacted with me that changed me?  Of course there is no way to know, but it’s interesting to consider.

My cousin once told me that the only way to really know what you are in your soul is to remove yourself from everything familiar and be away for a time.  I suppose that is what my Dad’s time in the army did for him.  My Dad was unique in his strength and his humor.  Would he have been that way without that time?

As a mother, wife, daughter, I could never take time and be off on my own.  Honestly, I wouldn’t want to, wouldn’t have the strength or the courage.  Those are my own weaknesses.  But, writing sometimes gives me that space to think about what is deep in my heart.  When I go there, I find that what I want is to not waste my time here, on this earth, doing things I have no interest in doing.  Obligation is foolish.  Of course, obligation and responsibility are two different things and I do have a desire to be responsible for certain things – to my family, to the world…. but the day to day ridiculous obligations that cause resentment because you are doing something you don’t want to do and don’t see any benefit to anyone for your doing them, those are the things that eat away at well-being.

So, to the two sides of every coin, such is life.  Memorial Day may be barbeque day to some while it’s a day of heartache for others…. to some, it is both.  Like most valuable things in life, there is a happy side and a heartbreaking side. Enjoying the good times, cherishing the feelings of love and belonging, while remembering that it is the lives and dedications of those who have struggled and come before us that has enabled us to reach this day.  All of this comes together to make the sweetness that much sweeter while it reinforces our responsibility to each other and to the greater goodness of days to come.

Thank you to all who have come before, and thank you to all who are with me today.  Without your love and support, life would be meaningless.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day~

Just Dive In?

This past Saturday, my husband opened the pool for the 12^th time, the 12^th year.  We had the pool built in 2000, it was a dream of both my husband’s and mine to someday own our own, private pool and when we realized we could do it we jumped at the chance (no pun intended). 

Watching the pool as it was being built was such a thrill.  Observing the talent and expertise of those who dug the hole, sculpted the cement, installed the equipment, installed the tile – all of it, from beginning to end was mesmerizing to watch and extremely impressive to behold.  The skill and talent of each and every craftsman was amazing.  Each summer since those early days, we have enjoyed the relaxation, fun and exercise the pool provides; from soaking in the hot tub on a warm summer evening, to swimming laps or just floating around on a hot summer day.  The pool has consistently served as a central meeting place for all of us to enjoy being together.

Twelve years is a long time though.  In the first few years we had the pool, my children were young.   They have since grown and moved along with their lives, but my husband and I hope that the pool always serves as a happy place for all to want to come back to and share long summer days together.  Someday we even hope to enjoy watching our grandchildren playing in the water.
 

This summer will be a bit different than summers gone by in that my son doesn’t live, full time, at home anymore.  He lives hours away.  I will miss the times we would unexpectedly and spontaneously end up chatting about anything and everything as we cooled off in the water.  Remembering how he and my daughter laughed with (and at) me because I could never simply jump into the pool.  They would try to teach me how to just let go and jump….they would show me, but I could never do it.  Inevitably, I would end up sitting on the side of the pool, dangling my legs in the water to get used to the temperature change, and then sliding in ever so carefully - and slowly.  I wish I could make some analogy to my life with that, but when it comes to my life I seem to jump in whenever a major decision is to be made.  Sometimes I end up in over my head, but, as of yet, l haven’t drowned!

Having friends and family over to enjoy the pool is an extra special time.  Some of my most real and penetrating conversations have taken place relaxing in the hot tub; close friends, good food, nice music and a glass of wine.  Something about the long summer days and the comfort of the water just enables everyone to relax and allows for meaningful discussions to flow. 

There have been summers we have watched the night sky change from May through September.  Sitting in the hot tub, night after night, we would look toward the heavens as the stars come out.  Closely and systematically, we would observe the same stars every night as they methodically travelled from one side of our roof, across the house and finally to the top of the trees on the far side of the pool.  Watching their movement is our old fashioned way of noting the passage of time  - the opposite of a sun dial. 

Time, what a funny thing; we measure the days the months, the years.  Events seem forever away, then, in an instant, they are years ago.  So many events were planned while relaxing in the pool.  Cruises, dinners, parties – all of which have come and gone; I wonder what events we will plan this summer that will seem so far away while we plan them.  I guess that’s life!  We live in the now and hope for happy ‘nows’ in the future.  Meanwhile, we are floating through the present.  


Last week I jumped into a new, full-time job unlike how I carefully slip into the pool on a summer day.  I am now in the process of learning to swim along…, just as the shock of cold that strikes when first getting into the pool, a shock that gradually changes to a feeling of refreshing comfort once you’re fully in, I hope the chill that I feel now, with this first introduction into my new job warms to a refreshing comfort that I can really sink into.  I look forward to staying afloat and not making too many waves.  This cold shock of returning to full time work will hopefully settle down soon and I one day I will find myself looking back on these long first days that seem never ending and say, “I can’t believe that was 5 years ago!”

I’ve surely taken the plunge, now I need to exercise and do my laps.  


I wish you all a refreshing day!