My house is cluttered. My
brain is cluttered. Just as there are rooms and rooms filled to the brim
with useless, unwanted and unneeded accumulated extraneous things in my house,
there is area after area of extraneous thoughts in my head. I need to
clean both.
Nineteen years is a long time to
live in one house. Fifty-four years is a long time to live in one head,
especially my head. Nineteen years ago, when my husband I moved into this
house from our townhouse, we were in our mid thirties. Nineteen years
ago, my precious children, Lauren and Michael, were 10 and 5 respectively.
Life was so very different then. I never thought those days would
end. They were so happy for me. My children always got along with
each other, they were so easy, they were so much fun. From the time they
could speak and could be reasoned with, they were the best company in the
world. Nothing made me happier than being home with my family.
Nothing. That is still true, but the times when it happens are now rare,
not commonplace, certainly not daily.
Over these fleeting 19 years, I
have accumulated so many things. These items range from huge pieces that
take up a ton of space in the basement; old bedroom sets and a no longer used
foosball table to small things like newspaper articles, school assignments and
outgrown clothes. In order to move on to the next phase of my life, the
empty nester phase, I need to get rid of so very much, but how? Every item
is packed with memories of shared times, laughs, silliness, and just the every
day specialness that was that time. Perhaps holding onto the furniture
and the clothes, even knowing all the while they will never again be useful to
me in my life, perhaps it’s a way of not letting go of the life that was.
The life I adored. The life I miss. The life I will never and
should never have again. Wow, that was dramatic.
Those memories of that time in my
life fill my brain like the old furniture fills the basement; although I visit
the memories in my head way more often than I venture downstairs. And, the
memories in my head, I must say, are in much better shape.
But, it is true. Those days of 19
years ago are gone, as they should be. After all, as a parent I want my
children to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy with their own lives, dreams, goals and
opportunities, but, what do I do now? What is my role? I have
always felt that my children are my friends. I never remember having to “parent”
them. They were always well behaved, trustworthy, hard working and
mature. I remember hearing other parents complaining about how
irresponsible their children were. I never had those complaints! As
a matter of fact, I was the irresponsible one who would pressure my children to
take a day off from school! Yes, I would ask them to play hooky, so we could spend the day
together! I used to give them “personal days” like those earned at your job - after all, wasn't school their job? When they wanted a day off, they could just use a personal
day. I loved those days so very much!! But I remember them each
saying to me, at various times, “Mom, I can’t take off today, I have too much
to do!” Oh my, they were always so responsible!!
But, back to house cleaning.
You see how even in this blog, the clutter in my head keeps me from moving
forward, just as the clutter in my house keeps me from moving to the next
location. I need to move on, in both instances.
By clinging to the unnecessary
clutter in my home, I cannot even think about selling my house, a house which
has been such a warm, sheltering home; a home that has kept us safe in the
harshest of storms and has been a welcoming place for friends and family in
times of celebration as it has been a haven of love and support in times of
loss. The carpet is worn from not only my aging dog, but also from years
of having transports come to take my Dad to and from his three time a week
dialysis treatments. The wear and tear on this carpet, which so badly
needs changing, is evidence of the way life leaves its mark. There is no
sense for me to change this carpet now, as my dog is very old and very ill.
He messes the carpet on what is pretty much a daily basis. By all logical
thought, we should probably think of what the next best step is for our dog,
Popcorn, but I am just not ready for that yet. I guess Poppy is another
thing to hold onto, but he is a living animal that I love. Do I have the
right or the nerve to put him down because he can’t control himself like he
used to? How do I know when he is ready? Am I being selfish keeping
him here?
Meanwhile, the dog, the house, and
my thoughts are weighing me down; they are keeping me in the same spot when
everything else in my life has moved on. I sit, night after night, day
after day, in this same spot, while everything around me has changed.
So, the spot may be the same, but it doesn’t feel the same, it no longer fits.
In order to find out who I am now, where this 54 year old woman wants to go, I
need to clean house and mind. After all, it is not those things that are
keeping me down, it is my refusal to let go of them that is doing that.
So, with that, I started small
today. I cleaned out, ready for this????..... I cleaned out the
refrigerator! After all, it’s so much easier to throw away expired sour
cream than a sweatshirt that was well worn by my son or daughter. But, it
was a start. I cleaned the refrigerator, scrubbed the drawers, cleaned
the side and then went on to vacuum and dust my children’s’ empty bedrooms.
I didn’t throw anything away, except the expired sour cream and some shriveled
carrots I found in the refrigerator, but I started.
So, three cheers for me today!
This was one small step for house cleaning, one giant leap for moving on!
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