Two More Days of Passover.........

Two more days left of Passover; two more days of eating Matzos (which are a lot of Weight Watcher points by the way), and other assorted matzo derived products.  Two more days of celebrating the freedom of my ancestors, a freedom from slavery that we relive through the telling of the story of the exodus from Egypt before we can eat dinner at our Seders - a freedom we then continue celebrating by eating unleavened bread and other assorted Passover approved, dry foods for eight days.

I keep Passover my own way.  Any religious person would laugh at the way I keep Passover – I don’t eat bread, cake, cookies, crackers, etc.  – In other words, I refrain from eating anything obviously made with flour (oh, except matzo).  Since I am the only one in my house who keeps it in any fashion, I have bread in the house, which automatically means I am not keeping it, according to any normal Jew.  I do not change my dishes; I do not scour the house.  I am odd and apparently not very clean!

I keep Passover, my way, out of respect for my heritage, I keep it in order to challenge my discipline, and myself and I keep it out of a love of tradition.  I keep Passover, my way, because it is part of who I am. However, the fact that I continue to keep it, logically, makes absolutely no sense in the larger picture, as I don’t believe the reasoning for it makes any sense at all.

To those who don’t know, the reason Jews refrain from eating leavened bread this week, it is to remember that when our forefathers were freed from slavery in Egypt, released from bondage, they had to flee quickly and did not have the TIME for the bread to rise.  So, they gathered what they could and exited stage left at lightening speed.  (Jews moving at lightening speed?)

Time, they didn’t have time.  They had the ingredients, just not the time.  So, how do we as Jews celebrate this lack of time?  We celebrate it by spending an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen.  There are Passover cakes and cookies that take tons of time to make, they rise, but they are okay to eat!  We eat matzo, which is flour and water, so we had the ingredients…now how does this make any sense to anyone? 

Twenty-five years ago, when I was just pregnant with my son and very aggravated that the matzo wasn’t sitting extremely well, I remember talking to a religious friend of mine who I respect immensely.  However, in the midst of our discussion of the holiday, which he deeply loved, I couldn’t contain myself any longer.  Maybe it was the hormones, but I just couldn’t keep from expressing how weird our celebration of this particular holiday seemed to me.  I told him that Christians have MUCH better holidays!!  Christmas, they decorate their homes with lights, yet Chanukah is the Festival of Lights so we light a candle!  On Easter, they get through Good Friday, the day Jesus was crucified, and then they celebrate his coming back with chocolate, with bunnies, with colored eggs and fun!  They decorate baskets and give sweets and toys!  They don’t wallow in the horror of the crucifixion; they celebrate the joy of the resurrection!  If Jews celebrated the holiday of Easter and all it encompasses, we would have to suffer for a day, maybe fast, before we would set our alarms early and have to rise at dawn on Easter Sunday! 

But what do we Jews do to celebrate being freed from slavery? Are we free on this day to eat whatever we want?  After all, we are now free!!  Do we have a joyous celebration; maybe even serve something otherwise forbidden, like a bacon cheeseburger?  No, absolutely not, we, in our infinite wisdom of holiday celebrations, continue, for eight LOOOOONG days, to eat cardboard (otherwise known as matzo).  How do I prove Passover foods are not great? How many people do you know that eat Passover cakes and cookies AFTER the holiday, how many make them year round?  Also, how many Christians seek out matzo products compared to how many Jews look for a good Zitner Coconut egg?

Now, I have to say that when I was growing up, my family was not very religious and our Seders consisted of having Matzo on the table and serving gefilte fish as an appetizer.  We didn’t have a long retelling of the exodus from Egypt, my Dad would say, “We’re free!  Let’s eat!”  We had our own stories that were told, mostly about the significance of the foods, but those you can read in prior blogs.  To me, those stories, these family thought up life lessons and morals, were more relevant and more important.  The tales about why matzo balls are round and why brisket is cooked so long, these stories dreamed up by the women in my family and handed down to us, these are a personal legacy that I will always enjoy and honor.  It is those stories I would love to retell to my Grandchildren should I be lucky enough to have them one day.

Today, I had matzo with my breakfast.  This afternoon I will head to my brother and sister-in-law’s house for a beautiful Easter celebration as my sister-in-law is not Jewish.  Their house will be filled with love and laughter and I am thrilled to be a part of the happiness; however, I will test my discipline when dessert is rolled out.  I am bringing chocolate covered matzo so there will be symbol of our Jewish heritage, something sweet and tasty for dessert, but I will salivate when the cookies and cakes come out.  And so, I, as a Jew, will celebrate freedom and the lack of time my ancestors had to flee Egypt, by eating dry foods that take extra time to prepare??????

Happy Holidays everyone ~ no matter what you celebrate, I hope you celebrate with those you love.  THAT is the best of times ~ no matter what you eat!

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/the-haggadah-and-the-steps-of-a-seder.html

Our Popcorn

 

Almost 17 years ago, my children were little and our adorable black and white, half poodle, half yorkie ~ a cute little girl dog, Pumpkin, died.  We were heart broken.  My husband and I bought Pumpkin when we were first married and had our first home.  She was part of our family before we had children.  She was a great dog, loving and fun and always good company ~ she went from being the star of our home, to a happy buddy for our children. 

Pumpkin died a few short months before we were to leave for a family vacation.  Although we knew we wanted to have another dog in the house, as a family we decided to wait until after our vacation.  We didn’t think it was fair to bring a new puppy into the house only to kennel her for 10 days almost immediately after bringing her home.  This plan was in stone……

That was summertime, 1996.  In those days, we belonged to a swim club near our home as it was prior to us building our pool in our backyard.   It was a warm, wonderful summer and every day possible we would go to the club and sit with friends, enjoying the sunshine, the camaraderie and the pool.  My son and daughter had fun with children their age and I sat with my good friend Robin, and another wonderful woman, Beth. 

On day, early in the summer, Beth mentioned that her Maltese just had a litter of puppies.  Growing up, I had two Maltese dogs (both female), Chi Chi and Cutie Pi.  Unfortunately, Chi Chi died young, but Cutie Pi was my buddy all through my years growing up.  Cutie Pi was my friend, my confidant, and I loved her.  Maltese dogs are cute, small, happy and adorable. 

I had an instant premonition that our plan of not having another dog before our Florida vacation was quickly vanishing. 

In trying to think of a way out, a way I would not be tempted, I told Beth that I definitely wanted a female dog as I had always heard horror stories of boy dogs damaging furniture.  I don’t know where I got that idea, but it was in my head.  When Beth said she had a female for sale, I knew I was in deep trouble. 

With the idea of “just visiting” the puppies, we all went to “see” them that night.  We drove up to Beth and Marc’s home and as they opened the door the cutest sight hit us.  There were little balls of fluffy white, tails wagging, slight yapping and lots of jumping all around us.  Beth led us to her den where a child’s playpen was set up.  Inside the playpen were the puppies for sale. (The ones yapping and playing all around us were Beth’s own Malteses’, the parents of the puppies in the playpen)!

In the corner was a very cute little female puppy. She was sitting calmly, nestled against the weave of the playpen.  We tried to pick her up, but this other little dog, a male, “Mr. Piggy” Beth called him because of his amazing appetite, kept getting in the way!  Gently we pushed Mr. Piggy aside as we ABSOLUTELY did not want a male dog.  The female tried to evade us, meanwhile, Mr. Piggy was jumping all around, wagging his tale, running to Michael then to Lauren, looking at us and just being generally Mr. Personality if not Mr. Piggy! 

I did not want a male dog.  That was certain.

Beth picked up the female and brought her to us.  I already had a name in mind, Sweetie Pi….in keeping with my Maltese, Cutie Pi.  We held the little, tiny girl Maltese and tried to play with her, but she truly had no interest.  Meanwhile, there hopped Mr. Piggy!  He jumped over to my son and licked his hand!  He then bounced over to my daughter and sat near her, his tail flapping happily from side to side.

Needless to say, we bought Mr. Piggy.  Beth promised (and kept her promise) to babysit him during our Florida vacation so we didn’t have to kennel him.  I went home with a happy family, and an ecstatic male Maltese.

The rest of that day and that night we couldn’t get over the personality this little puppy possessed.  He was just so cute.  But, we had one more issue, a name.  Since he was a boy, Sweetie Pi just didn’t seem appropriate.  Although Mr. Piggy was a cute name, we wanted to choose his name ourselves.  Hercules, Kiwi and Paul were top contenders, but somehow, they just didn’t seem right.  As we threw names out and while we were making signs for a garage sale we were holding that weekend, my son decided it was time to make all of us a snack.  Popcorn.   Popcorn!!  Popcorn!!!!  The perfect name for this cute, white, fluffy, happy puppy previously named Mr. Piggy!! 

Well, that was almost 17 years ago.  Today, as I’ve written before, Popcorn is still here.  He may have a weak heart, no teeth, can’t see well and doesn’t hear much…. but he is still here.  He has accidents and has ruined our carpet, but he doesn’t seem to be in any physical pain.  We love him.  He is the last of his litter to still be alive.  He has kept us company through good and bad times.  He has played joyfully and eaten heartily, but now he mostly sleeps.  Popcorn was once the cutest, happiest, most fun dog, a male dog who never damaged one piece of furniture, but now he is old, tired and sometimes a bit cranky. 

How do we know when, if ever, the time is right to compassionately put him to sleep?  How do we even consider such a thing, even though most people we know seem to think it is the right thing to do at this time?  I asked a vet that came into the store where I work the other day and he simply said we would know; he said there is no right answer.  But, then Poppy, as we sometimes call him, will have a coughing fit.  He will arch his back and stretch his leg in a weird, stiff, uncomfortable looking way.  Is he in pain?  He doesn’t yelp.  How do we know, are we being selfish?  Should we just let nature take its course? 

Looking at Popcorn now, it is miraculously easy to look beyond his weaknesses and remember the happy little bouncy puppy that seemed to dance before us with a top hat and cane, tempting us to take him home and become part of our family.  Our going with our hearts at that time was one of our most wonderful decisions even though it went against everything we had sworn we would do.

So, I guess that tells me that the decision to make now is to go with our hearts.  Our hearts say, stay Poppy.  Stay until you show us, and we know it’s time you want to go.  You showed us it was right to take you home years ago and I have to believe you will let us know when you want us to let you go now.

You have been such a great friend and such an important part of our family, Popcorn.  We love you.  

The Light of The Soul

I’ll never forget this week three years ago; it is burned into my head in a way that is not normal for me (my memory is not so hot).   But, in this case, I remember conversations, peoples’ eyes, specific strangers, but mostly, I remember my Dad for it was this week, three years ago, that my Dad passed away.

That week started like an ordinary week at that time.  The EMT’s came to my house to take my Dad for his Monday dialysis treatment.  He did not want to go.  As my Dad had become weaker toward the end of his illness, he still showed signs of his prior strength from time to time; this Monday morning was one of those times.  He was telling us he was done with dialysis and he adamantly refused to go.  My Mom pleaded with him, I pleaded with him, we argued with him, and then we cried together as they strapped him into a wheelchair and lifted the chair, with him in it, out of the house and into the ambulance and on to the dialysis unit. 

Not long after the ambulance drove away, my Mom received a call from my Dad’s doctor that my Dad wasn’t feeling well and that they were not going to do his dialysis treatment. Instead of treatment, they were sending him, via ambulance, to the hospital.  The doctor continued by telling us he did not see dialysis as a beneficial treatment for my Dad any longer. Patients have a way of telling the world when they are finished, he said, even in their otherwise not totally coherent state.  My Mom and I knew he was saying it was time to let him go, but this was not something we were ready to think about.

Once my Mom was off the telephone with the doctor, she and I ran out of the house and drove hurriedly to the emergency room to meet my Dad when he arrived.  I have already told the story of his time in the hospital that week.  We met with “end of life” specialists and listened more intently, with more awareness and openness than I would have thought possible.  The doctors took time and spoke with us about my father’s care and where we were in his treatment.  Once the decision to stop dialysis was made, after talking with my brothers, they could only keep my Dad in the hospital for a few days.  During that time, it was surprising how well he seemed.  With the nurse, we sang show tunes, with a hearty appetite; he enjoyed eating the foods he had been forbidden to eat for so long, (feeding my Dad carrots from his tray was unbelievable, he enjoyed every mouthful as if it was the most awesomely prepared cuisine!)  We watched the winter Olympics, he enjoyed visits from his grandchildren and he spoke on the phone to my brothers with clarity and strength.  It was as if he was getting better, stronger, as if he felt more alive than he had in years.  He was coherent, funny, and strong and for a few days it seemed as he used to be.  A lovely religious representative stopped by one afternoon.  She told us she was on her way to Israel and asked if we would like to give her a note of prayer to place in the Wailing Wall.  My Mom and I wrote a prayer of hope and gratitude, which she tucked into her purse and took with her to Israel. 

After visiting with the hospice organization near our home, we were confident with the people, not so confident with the surroundings.  Hastily, on the day my Dad was released from the hospital, we arranged for hospice in my home.  Our family gathered together that day.  My Dad was with all of us, and he even visited via Skype with my brother in Florida.  Before going to sleep my Dad said he loved us all.  At 3:22 AM he passed away.

That was three years ago this week.  Three years since I have had the chance to hug my Dad.  But, when I now think of my Dad, I usually don’t think of those last years, I remember my Dad when he was strong, my protector.

I don’t know, one way or the other, if the soul and the spirit are real or if I just wish they were, but last night certainly helps me believe.  As I said, this week marks three years since my Dad passed away, but yesterday was his actual Yahrzeit.  For those that aren’t Jewish, Yahrzeit marks the anniversary of the death of a loved one and it is tradition to light a candle in remembrance. The candle is lit and burns for 24 hours until it burns out; the flame is symbolic for the human soul.  This connection comes from the Book of Proverbs (chapter 20 verse 27), which states:  “The soul of man is the candle of G-d.” 

It is said that the flames, like a human soul, must breath, grow, change and fight against darkness only to eventually fade away.  In this way, the flame of the burning Yahrzeit candle reminds us that life is fragile and must be protected, embraced, and cherished while we remember our loved ones.

I lit my Yahrzeit candle for my Dad at sundown, as did my Mom, who lives with us.  My candle burned out almost to the minute of 24 hours.  However, my Mom’s burned for an additional twelve hours, keeping her room lit all through the next night.  My Mom insisted it was my Dad’s spirit shining his light for her. 

Unbeknownst to me, while her Yahrzeit candle was continuing to burn far longer than it should, I was having dream after dream of my father.  In my dreams he kept repeating three life lessons that he wanted me to remember.  I kept repeating the three in my dream, I would wake up, fall back to sleep, return to the same dream and once again hear the three life lessons.  When I woke for the day, the dream was still in my mind and as I showered I could recite the three life lessons, two of which I remember him telling me throughout my life, one was new and honestly something I don’t remember him telling me in real life.

The first of the three lessons is one he continually told me as I was growing up. He would sit with me and tell me how I could always know right from wrong when I was not with him.  He would say, “Always remember, if someone asks you to do something, think to yourself…could I tell my father about this in the morning?  If yes, then it’s okay, if no then it’s wrong.”  An easy and foolproof method of telling right from wrong that I think of even to this day, even knowing he is no longer physically here to tell.

The second was to always remember that ‘If you’re worried about money, you have no worries.’  He always said that because when really bad things happen, you don’t worry about money, so if money is what you are worried about, be thankful.

Now, the third…the third is something special that my Dad told me last night that I really don’t remember him telling me during his lifetime.  He told me to live life and appreciate the warmth, love and light that every moment provides.  Meanwhile the Yahrzeit candle my Mom lit to honor his memory was shining well beyond the normal time, illuminating her room and brightening her world.

Whether or not that was the spirit of my Dad, I can’t prove, but in my heart I feel it was, I feel him with me as I type these words.  My Dad, who sang Frank Sinatra songs better than Old Blue Eyes himself, my Dad, who was the life of any party and who told a joke better than any comedian, my Dad lit this house last night with his love.  I feel it; I know it and it makes me smile, just as he always did.

I love you, Dad.  Thank you for always being such a shining light in my life.  

Cleaning House ~ Cleaning Mind

My house is cluttered.  My brain is cluttered.  Just as there are rooms and rooms filled to the brim with useless, unwanted and unneeded accumulated extraneous things in my house, there is area after area of extraneous thoughts in my head.  I need to clean both.

Nineteen years is a long time to live in one house.  Fifty-four years is a long time to live in one head, especially my head.  Nineteen years ago, when my husband I moved into this house from our townhouse, we were in our mid thirties.  Nineteen years ago, my precious children, Lauren and Michael, were 10 and 5 respectively.   Life was so very different then.  I never thought those days would end.  They were so happy for me.  My children always got along with each other, they were so easy, they were so much fun.  From the time they could speak and could be reasoned with, they were the best company in the world.  Nothing made me happier than being home with my family.  Nothing.  That is still true, but the times when it happens are now rare, not commonplace, certainly not daily. 

Over these fleeting 19 years, I have accumulated so many things.  These items range from huge pieces that take up a ton of space in the basement; old bedroom sets and a no longer used foosball table to small things like newspaper articles, school assignments and outgrown clothes.  In order to move on to the next phase of my life, the empty nester phase, I need to get rid of so very much, but how?  Every item is packed with memories of shared times, laughs, silliness, and just the every day specialness that was that time.  Perhaps holding onto the furniture and the clothes, even knowing all the while they will never again be useful to me in my life, perhaps it’s a way of not letting go of the life that was.  The life I adored.  The life I miss.  The life I will never and should never have again. Wow, that was dramatic. 

Those memories of that time in my life fill my brain like the old furniture fills the basement; although I visit the memories in my head way more often than I venture downstairs. And, the memories in my head, I must say, are in much better shape. 

But, it is true. Those days of 19 years ago are gone, as they should be.  After all, as a parent I want my children to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy with their own lives, dreams, goals and opportunities, but, what do I do now?  What is my role?  I have always felt that my children are my friends.  I never remember having to “parent” them.  They were always well behaved, trustworthy, hard working and mature.  I remember hearing other parents complaining about how irresponsible their children were.  I never had those complaints!  As a matter of fact, I was the irresponsible one who would pressure my children to take a day off from school!  Yes, I would ask them to play hooky, so we could spend the day together!   I used to give them “personal days” like those earned at your job - after all, wasn't school their job?  When they wanted a day off, they could just use a personal day.  I loved those days so very much!!  But I remember them each saying to me, at various times, “Mom, I can’t take off today, I have too much to do!”  Oh my, they were always so responsible!! 

But, back to house cleaning.  You see how even in this blog, the clutter in my head keeps me from moving forward, just as the clutter in my house keeps me from moving to the next location.  I need to move on, in both instances.

By clinging to the unnecessary clutter in my home, I cannot even think about selling my house, a house which has been such a warm, sheltering home; a home that has kept us safe in the harshest of storms and has been a welcoming place for friends and family in times of celebration as it has been a haven of love and support in times of loss.  The carpet is worn from not only my aging dog, but also from years of having transports come to take my Dad to and from his three time a week dialysis treatments.  The wear and tear on this carpet, which so badly needs changing, is evidence of the way life leaves its mark.  There is no sense for me to change this carpet now, as my dog is very old and very ill.  He messes the carpet on what is pretty much a daily basis.  By all logical thought, we should probably think of what the next best step is for our dog, Popcorn, but I am just not ready for that yet.  I guess Poppy is another thing to hold onto, but he is a living animal that I love.  Do I have the right or the nerve to put him down because he can’t control himself like he used to?  How do I know when he is ready?  Am I being selfish keeping him here?

Meanwhile, the dog, the house, and my thoughts are weighing me down; they are keeping me in the same spot when everything else in my life has moved on.  I sit, night after night, day after day,  in this same spot, while everything around me has changed.  So, the spot may be the same, but it doesn’t feel the same, it no longer fits.  In order to find out who I am now, where this 54 year old woman wants to go, I need to clean house and mind. After all, it is not those things that are keeping me down, it is my refusal to let go of them that is doing that.

So, with that, I started small today.  I cleaned out, ready for this????.....  I cleaned out the refrigerator!  After all, it’s so much easier to throw away expired sour cream than a sweatshirt that was well worn by my son or daughter.  But, it was a start.  I cleaned the refrigerator, scrubbed the drawers, cleaned the side and then went on to vacuum and dust my children’s’ empty bedrooms.  I didn’t throw anything away, except the expired sour cream and some shriveled carrots I found in the refrigerator, but I started. 

So, three cheers for me today!  This was one small step for house cleaning, one giant leap for moving on!  

A Time for Sanity

When listening to the gun debate currently raging in the press, I try to remember that most of my fellow Americans are not crazy.  We are wiser, calmer, not as fox-brainwashed as we appear, as evidenced by the re-election of President Barack Obama.  But, there are times when the basic intelligence and decency of many citizens needs to be doubted, exposed and explored.  This is obvious whenever I see Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association's public face.  It is the face of a bizarre human being. Watching him speak, I have doubts as to his mental capacity to even BE a gun owner, let alone gun promoter!

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about a man who blindly crashed his car into my mother’s parked car outside our home.  The man was obviously on “something” and was carrying a loaded gun in the front seat.  He was distraught over his break-up with his girlfriend and who knows where he was headed, in that state, with his loaded gun.  The police, when they arrived did nothing to him.  As a matter of fact, the force of their speech was to my husband and I, telling us we didn’t understand because we are not “gun people”!  No, I am not a gun person, I readily admit that.  However, the schism between that and driving intoxicated with a loaded gun seems to loom large.  It seems the lecture should be directed to the guy acting irresponsibly who just crashed into a PARKED car!

Anyway, I digress, but it simply proves to illustrate the gun culture of this society.  I have been keeping a close eye on the gun debate currently raging in every part of the press.  On television, the radio, in print, both sides are active, on high alert.  Even our government, with sane voices like that of the President of the United States and others are being heard.  The narrative, which I believe the mainstream media promotes courtesy of the NRA, is that this is much bluster with nothing real or tangible able to happen.  I refuse to believe it.

Twenty 6 and 7 year olds along with six young teaching professionals were gunned down less than two months ago by a young man with a legally purchased (by his mom)  Bushmaster AR-15 rifle. There are zero federal restrictions on the ownership of AR-15 rifles in the United States, zero. The gun used in Newtown, Connecticut has been used before in many mass massacres in the United States recently.  Hunters do not use these rifles, as the bullets would tear apart the flesh of their prey and the shooting is pretty much general and not accurate.  These rifles are not even good at protecting from a home invasion for the reason given…they are not accurate as they are meant to kill massive amounts of people, not one directly attacking you.

There is no reason that I have heard on any of the numerous debates I have listened to that have resonated as to why any civilian would need an AR-15.   None.  The purpose of this gun is mass shooting.  It is a weapon of war.  The premise that we cannot, as a nation, have sensible control of such a dangerous, destructive, heartache-producing weapon, is absolutely amazing.  Banning the further sale of these weapons along with extended magazines that aid in killing as many innocents as possible, should be obvious and without argument, even by the NRA.  IF that organization would stand for sane regulations, perhaps they would not be so despised by so many of us.

An AR-15 was also used in the mass massacre of moviegoers in Colorado on July 20, 2012.  According to the letter from Aurora victims' family members – “an AR-15 assault rifle was used in the movie theater killing on July 20. "We listened to the 911 tapes played in court and sat in agony as we heard 30 shots fired within 27 seconds, wondering if one of those bullets killed our children," the letter read.

Arguing for the continued sale of these weapons and these extended clips is what the NRA is standing for at this point in our history.  Unbelievable, but true! No one on the other side is saying that banning these weapons will end all violence in our country, we are, unfortunately a society that applaudes and rewards violence in our movies, our video games and our rhetoric. However, if some lunatic is going to come at me in some public place with violence in mind, I sure would rather he/she was not carrying an AR-15 with an extended clip!

Common sense tells us that this violence, death and destruction cannot and will not be completely halted by the elimination of this class of rifle and the extended magazines.  However, it can only help.  Just as putting a warning on the side of cigarettes didn’t stop all from smoking, smoking is much less common than it was….the art of romanticizing smoking was removed from movies, advertisements were taken off television, all of this helped lessen smoking and thus cancer deaths in our country.  This all simply proves that as Americans we need to ALL participate and work together to lessen unnecessary death.

No one is fighting to eliminate the second amendment.  As much as I despise guns, and I admit that I do, I realize that hunting is a way of life to some.  For some reason going out as a family and killing animals as they try to peacefully exist is sport.  (I know, that was laced with sarcasm, sorry, can’t help it.)  But, I realize it is and I even realize, in spite of my feelings, that when not hunted the deer make life crazy and dangerous for many of us driving around the country.  So, although hunting to me seems a bit barbaric, I can acquiesce to those who do and agree to disagree.  It is a part of the diversity of our culture that I love and admire. 

I also understand how many might want a handgun in their home to protect from invaders.  I would not want one in my home, but I understand that there are single women, people living in dangerous neighborhoods, and probably most of my republican neighbors who own handguns, guns which, they say, makes them feel safer. 

A gun in my house would have the opposite effect.  According to a recent National Public Radio interview, having a gun in the home made the death of a member of that household 43 times more likely than that gun being used for self-defense. That same interview followed with more facts, out of 743 deaths from firearms, 398 occurred IN the home with the gun.  Of these deaths, 80% were suicides, 13% were murders, and 3% were accidents.  As it turns out, most homicide victims are shot by either fellow family members or their roommates – only 7 of the 398 deaths were self-defense, SEVEN!

Despite those statistics, if you feel you need or want a handgun in your home, to protect from an invader, go for it.  If you feel you need to carry a handgun to protect yourself, okay.  But, you do not need a semi-automatic rifle with an extended clip.  You just simply do not.

I just heard that Wayne LaPierre, recently stated that even background checks were not something he could get on board with.  He really said that.  He said that criminals wouldn’t go through the checks.  Well, for that matter, why have ANY laws?  Criminals won’t abide by them, so what the heck…..go for it people!  Why have speed limits?  Speeders won’t abide!  Why make shoplifting illegal…..people still steal!

That argument obviously doesn’t hold water, but he makes it and lemmings repeat it.

There ARE common sense laws and common sense aid to this horrific problem we have in our nation of gun violence.  Of course no law or group of laws will be 100% effective, but just as enforcing drunk driving laws have lessened automobile deaths, common sense gun restrictions could lessen mass murders, random, horrific, tragic, mass murders; and we have to do everything in our power to lessen these tragedies as the next one might be in YOUR child’s school, YOUR neighborhood movie theater or YOUR area mall.

Yes, the problem is vast and yes we need to look at keeping violence in our video games and movies down, not glorifying the death and destruction.  Yes, we need to better treat the mentally ill, but please note that just like the vast amount of legal gun owners are not criminals, the vast amount of mentally ill are not criminals either.   Funny how the gun lobby, the NRA, which makes money for every gun sold, has no problem having a data base for those with mental problems but is against that same registration for ALL gun owners – even those who buy through gun shows and private sales.

It has been proven that background checks actually help two fold, first, the obvious that it makes it that much harder to get your hands on a weapon of death, and second,  many with severe mental issues find it difficult to fill out the forms on a background check.  They get befuddled and don’t do it.  A win/win in keeping weapons out of the hands of those who should not have them!

In conclusion, I am proud to stand with the majority of Americans, even those in the NRA if not their “leader”, who are willing to look at all angles of this horrific problem facing us all.  The tragedy of gun massacres across our great country has to be dealt with right away.  If the rhetoric could be lowered to a point where we aren’t arguing extremes, perhaps something could be accomplished.  No one is saying all guns should be banned.  However, just as machine guns were banned decades ago, with no slippery slope coming to be, we can and should ban semi-automatic weapons and extended magazines for  only when reloading was the man who killed so many in Colorado, stopped.  If he had only had a 10 round magazine, instead of a 30, how many more would be alive today and if one of them was your parent, brother, sister or heaven forbid, child, yes, it would absolutely matter.

It is time to prove that we are civilized, that we are intelligent, and we are worthy of our role as being the shining light on the hill.  We need to care more about our fellow human beings than the rights of those who can’t even defend their ownership of such destructive weapons.  Yelling the Second Amendment at a grieving father is not a reason.  Defending against our government, a government with nukes, drones, tanks, and every possible weapon of war, is no argument.  It is time for rationale discussion, rationale laws and rationale thinking.  The time for bluster and posturing ended with the deaths of twenty 6 and 7 year olds in their first grade classroom.

Please see the following for a story worth the 11 minutes:  http://www.storyofamerica.org/darren

It's Okay To Be Me ~

The wind is blowing, the temperatures are in the teens, and winter is definitely here this week.  Today, I have an entire day off.  I sit here in my warm office, with my very old dog, Popcorn, at my feet.  Popcorn, Poppy, is a good boy, and even though he no longer sees or hears very well, he has a weak heart, few teeth, horrific breath, and can’t quite control his bowels…he is loved.

Aging is a weird thing.  One day you’re young and full of vigor and excitement, the next day you’re sitting around wondering what the heck happened, where did the time go?

I am 54.  Fifty freaking four.  I’ll be 55 next month on my birthday.  Even if I am lucky and live until 90, that means my life is more than half over and the vibrant years are mostly behind me.  What does it mean?

I had lunch with a very dear friend last week.  We went to a Japanese restaurant for sushi, which neither one of us ordered as it turned out ~ the crab/asian pear salad was too enticing.  We sat there for hours talking about everything and anything.  It was the best therapy.  My friend Linda and I have so much in common, even though she speaks with a delightful British accent and I have my Philly twang.  We each have a daughter and son, in that order, born within months of each other.  We have husbands that have stuck by us through thick and thin.  We are not wealthy, but not poor and we are lucky to work in jobs that allow us to meet for lunch for hours in the middle of the week.

We talked about so many things, but mostly about something that both of us do incessantly - worry.  My reputation in my family is that I am and always have been, an over-protective mom and a worrier that knows no limits.  All my life, everyone has called me “nuts”, “over-the-top”, and “ridiculous”.  The teasing never stopped, not when I was a young mom, not when I had children in school, and not now that they are older and on their own. I always thought it was a personality flaw, something awful that I should work on, but never could seem to rectify.  The realization that I could never stop worrying, no matter how much I tried, definitely hurt my self-esteem.

Linda did something at that lunch that no one has ever done before.  Linda told me that it’s okay to be me, and it’s okay to worry.  In order to worry as well as each of us do, (we certainly excel) an excellent imagination is needed.  An imagination, a creativity, that also appears in so many other areas of our lives and contributes so much joy to not only our lives but also the lives of others close to us, and those not so close.  If we took that imagination away, we wouldn’t be who we are, and, you know what, who we are is pretty wonderful!  Each of us would do anything in the world for our children. We know no bounds; there is nothing our children could ask of us that we won’t do for them.  We support and care for our husbands, our Moms (both of us have lost our Dads – but we cared for them when they were here, too).  We have brothers, friends, nieces and nephews who love us for our uniqueness – a uniqueness that would perhaps be minimized if we could ever rid ourselves of the worry gene, for that gene wouldn’t go away alone.

I am no longer going to apologize for worrying so much or even try too hard to stop.  Linda taught me something wonderful and eye opening -  the fact that it’s okay to be me ~ which also means it is amazingly right and fantastic for you to be you!

I Wish You Well-Being This New Year!

“Well-being is a balanced state of mind and body that you feel subjectively as contentment, peace of mind and emotional freedom.” – Deepak Chopra

As I write this, it is the early morning of New Year’s Eve.   New Year’s has always been a bit of a daunting time for me.  I never enjoyed New Year’s Eve as there was always not only a feeling of pressure to have a GREAT time, but also a feeling that the year gone by did not hold the accomplishments I had hoped for.  A fine time just doesn’t cut it on New Year’s.  Everyone has to be ringing in the New Year with amazing food, great friends, and a huge party!  You turn on the television and all they talk about is the biggest party of all in Times Square!  Everyone is dressed up, everyone is singing, kissing, dancing, partying ~ oy the pressure!!

This year has been a year of change and growing pains.  Yes, even those of us in our 50’s have growing pains.  My daughter has moved in with her boyfriend and my son, who moved away for school last year, has passed his candidacy exam and is now a PhD candidate, big changes and huge accomplishments for them, which make me proud and happy.  But these changes also point to the fact that my years of being Mom as opposed to Mommy are here.  This is a good thing, it is how it is supposed to be, but that doesn’t mean it is easy or comes without adjustment.

My house is way too big now.  Everywhere I look there is a room to be cleaned that no one needs.  I know this is probably what some would call a frivolous complaint, but it serves as a constant reminder of where I was, not where I am going. Of course there are times when I feel wistful about days gone by when the house was full of noise and toys and action; but time moves on.  And now it’s time that I do, too.

All this brings me to the title of this little blog, the importance of well-being.  I’ve read about well being this morning thanks to the quote above from Deepak Chopra, a quote I just happened to come across.  Well-being doesn’t mean that all things are going just great and that there is no turmoil, angst or aggravation in your life.  No, well being means that despite the turmoil and aggravation a sense of calm and feeling centered helps anchor your inner peace and allows you to function with clarity.  Our brains do more than allow us to interact with the world around us, our brains, in a sense, CREATE the world around us.  Our own interpretations of what we see and our reactions to what we feel are unique.  My goal, in this coming year, is a big one.  It’s probably the biggest goal I have ever set for myself.  My goal for this year is to have my brain create a positive world.

Throughout my life I have always looked ahead and tried to visualize what was going to go wrong so I could take steps now to prevent whatever it was I was imagining.  If I were imagining being attacked or getting lost by going someplace different, I just wouldn’t go.  If I was threatened by trying something new, thinking it would make me sick, or fail, I would make every excuse to weasel out of it, to not try that “new” thing, thereby guaranteeing the failure I was so afraid of seeing!  What good is that?? 

It’s going to be extremely difficult for me as I am definitely conditioned to only think about awful, horrific, terrible things that could happen.  I don’t know why my brain goes to these awful places and creates this world of monsters, but it does and it has to stop.  These worries take hold in my thoughts and instead of realizing that they are imaginary, they cause angst and worry, anxiety and fear – they cause a paralysis of being.  It’s been my way of existing but deep down I know it doesn’t work – it doesn’t even keep bad things from happening, instead, it keeps good things from happening!  The anxieties leak out to those around me, to those I hold most dear, to those I am trying to protect and to those I love more than anything else on this earth.  I don’t want them to hold the same anxiety and worry that I do.  Maybe that’s part of it, I feel that if I worry enough for all of us there is no need for them to worry.  I can shield them.  I try to take a burden off them, but it is a burden that they don’t necessarily carry – it is in my head, not theirs!  And when they then see and feel the load I am carrying, in a way, I am transferring that load to them - a load they never needed to hold! 

So, back to well being, the well being that Deepak Chopra referred to in the quote I read this morning.  Well-being is similar to the NOW that Eckert Tolle speaks about.  Right now is all we have.  Right now is all we ever live, our lives are made up of nows. Feeling at ease and at one with the reality of now, without thinking about the next minute or the next hour and the “what-ifs” that come with that time, that ease of the now is like a calming breath.  We can’t fight the now; it just wastes energy and emotion, we have to live in it.  The reality of this moment is all there ever is.  I believe it was George Harrison that said, “be here now”.

Right now it is the morning of New Year’s Eve.  The year 2012 will soon be history and the year 2013 will soon be welcomed.   But, at this moment, it is simply an early morning that I have time, time to relish and enjoy.  In reality, the hopes and plans, the thoughts and concerns for the year ahead are all just moving pictures in my head.  Since they are imaginary, why imagine a world of doom and disaster, why in the world would I want to create that? It may have taken me to the age of 54 to realize that every moment is important.  We all have our own hopes and dreams - the power of our thoughts, and that vibrant energy is vital and creative.  My promise to myself is to try to limit and catch myself when creating a world that is not positive and happy.  Since I want positive, happy things to exist for myself, for those I love, and for everyone – since compassion and thoughtfulness is what I want to exist, it is what I will strive to feel. I am going to try to live in the now instead of looking past it to the fears of tomorrow.

Here’s to a New Year’s Eve morning filled with good, hot coffee and a healthy dose of well being for all.

May your New Year be bright and your dreams thrive!