An Orange Butterfly

Next month will be five years since I lost my Dad.  In some respects the time seems forever while in other respects, the memories of his last two weeks here, with us, are so very vivid, that I feel as though I lost him yesterday.

My Dad was absolutely central to who I am and what I value.  He was not only my rock, my security, he was my booster and my role model for the type of person I want to be.  He was funny and kind while smart and quick thinking.  He was the life of any party.  He was always trying to look his best, had a proper amount of self respect (without conceit) along with an enormous amount of respect for those around him.  He loved my Mom with all his heart and always told her how beautiful and terrific she was.  He loved my brothers and I and our families completely.  He was filled with pride over our triumphs and heartbroken over our heartaches.   He always made me proud.

After he passed, a friend told me that when I see an orange butterfly, my Dad was especially near.  Over the last five years I have been amazed at the appearance of orange butterflies at times when I either felt the need for my Dad especially strong or when speaking of him.  This was never more prevalent than two weeks ago when my husband and I took a trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  We were there to attend the wedding of beautiful friends.  We shared much of the vacation with one of my friends and her husband, (she appreciates her privacy, and I respect that quality, so I will not give her name).  I have known this friend since Kindergarten, which happens to be not only a few years ago but actually a few decades ago.  My friend lost her Dad a year ago from the Saturday we were away: so the timing of this journey was especially heart wrenching for her.  She, similarly to myself, was extremely close to her Dad and feels his loss intensely.  

Naturally, there were many, many times over the 6 days we were together that we talked of our fathers.  There were some memories over which we smiled and others that brought sweet tears to flow.   There were some memories we shared of each others Dads that brought laughter.  The miraculous thing was that almost every single time we spoke, an orange butterfly would flutter around us.  I can hear her say, “Shar, there’s an orange butterfly!!”  Was this just a coincidence? …. Maybe…. But, quite honestly, whether it was or it wasn’t it doesn’t really make any difference.   Whether it really was my Dad’s spirit or just a feeling of love and support from thinking of my Dad and feeling his presence…there is no difference.  Either way, the loving, supportive, strength of character was with me.  There was even a woman selling handmade items by the pool who had at least twenty ladies beach covers for sale.  All were random designs in various colors, but then there was one unique one, a beautiful orange butterfly gracefully flowing on the front. (Naturally I bought that one for my daughter).

Being in Cabo San Lucas was fun and wonderful.  Sharing the joy of my friend’s wedding was touching and heart-warming.   Looking back on the trip my husband and I shared with friends, I had a truly wonderful time.  Although I did feel a bit anxious traveling so far away from my children, (even knowing they are grown and more than capable)…it was just a “me thing”.  But, seeing the orange butterfly, it always appearing and being close by when needed, reminded me of qualities my Dad provided when he was physically here, making me feel stronger, capable and safer. 

I am one very lucky woman to have had the father I had.  When I think of him, which is so very often, and I feel him in my soul, I feel his love.  Just as he always tried to make things okay for me while he was here, I believe he is still trying to do that.  I hear him in things I say, I feel him in my heart, and I know his love is as close as ever.  I am so thankful to have been my Daddy’s little girl.  I am so thankful for the orange butterflies and all the feelings, even the melancholy ones, they bring to the front.  I miss my Dad every day, but knowing I carry him in my heart, and project his spirit to those around me, I am given wings.