Getting Older

Aging is a weird thing.  When you’re very young, every birthday is so exciting, so exciting that you even count in fractions as you approach a new, larger number!  As I’ve grown older I think back to those very young days and even the “medium” young days and hope I appreciated them for what they were truly worth.  Promise, hope, potential, vitality, optimism; all of these things are so prominent, so to the front of everything when youth is yours.

I guess I’m having a mid-life crisis, although, who am I kidding, mid-life passed me by about 10 years ago.  After all, I don’t believe reaching the ripe old age of 108 is very realistic.  But, it is hitting me that there are things now that I always wanted to do, always thought there would be time for, that I will never accomplish.

For example, I always wanted to be either a therapist or a lawyer.  Now, I know these two things sound like they are polar opposites, and maybe they are, but they always held a special appeal to me.  I truly do love people.  I love being around people, I love talking with people, learning different ideas, and I would love to have the ability and time to listen to others and try to help them sort things out so they may lead more fulfilling, happy lives. I know lawyers get a bad rap, but I think to a large extent, many of them feel that same inner goal.  They help those without a voice gain a voice.  They help those without power fight back when they were wronged.  So, maybe, they really aren’t all that different at their core.  But, the reality truly struck me the other day that I am out of time; I will never be either of those professions.

I don’t know if my experience of youth is that different from anyone else’s experience, but I know that when I was young, I guess because up until you're older the only thing you’ve known is youth, I thought I would always be young.  I thought there would always be time.  Then, suddenly, there I am in the check out line at the grocery store and the young man asks, “Will that be paper or plastic, Ma’am?”  This young man, being so very polite, sees me as an older lady, no ands, ifs or buts, an older lady.  I say paper but in my head I’m screaming, wait…I’m not a ma’am, I’m a miss!!  But, I don’t scream it or even whisper it because I’m not.

My husband and I are starting to think about downsizing the house.  I probably mentioned it before in another blog, but it is becoming more focused and real now.  We even began the process, albeit in a very tiny step, this weekend by cleaning out a buffet in the dining room.  We made piles of things to sell, things to keep and things to throw away.  That last pile is very difficult for me.  I become attached to things, to the memories they hold; a chipped sugar bowl that I will never use again, but that conjures up thoughts of dinners when my Lauren and Michael were so very young and we were all together every day.  I do know that throwing away the sugar bowl isn’t throwing away the memories, but it is a trigger to those memories that I don’t want to lose.  So, I have a deal with my husband…I hand him certain items without saying a word and he quietly disposes of them.

We started in the dining room because it is the easiest room of all.  I dread going through the basement.  Our basement is full of all the things that I didn’t have the heart to get rid of, although I no longer needed them, as the years moved along.  We moved into this house a bit over 18 years ago, so for all that time things have accumulated down there.  My daughter and son’s old toys, cribs, bedroom furniture, art work, beanie babies, games, clothes, the list goes on and on.  I suppose I could go through things one box at a time, but I know that this will be the most difficult of all.  Every other move we made we went from a smaller home to a larger one, I didn’t need to scale down.  The goal of this move is to do exactly that, scale down.  How do I do it?

In 2000, we had an in ground pool built in our backyard.  In the beginning it was just great fun for the family, but as time moved along and my children grew older, I began to think of it as a great place for them to bring their kids, the grandchildren I look forward to knowing.  A place where we would all enjoy beautiful summer days together.  But, do I stay in the house forever for those few days a year?  Can my husband continue to take care of the pool as we get older, not to mention the expense!  And that doesn’t even take the lawn itself into consideration, its care and maintenance.  And cleaning this house, I can’t keep up!  I vacuum, sweep, mop, dust, and never seem to have the chance to do the heavy cleaning that is needed. 

The house, like me, is aging.  The systems that run need maintenance, the roof needs attention, the air-conditioner doesn’t seem to cool as well. Let’s face it - the house needs new, energetic, enthusiastic owners.  Besides the fact that with our children not here most of the time, my husband and I only use the kitchen, the bedroom the bathroom and the living room…all other spaces all places I simply walk through.  My Mom’s ‘edifice’ as we call it, consists of her living room, bedroom and bathroom.  We do sit in there, too, and enjoy her company – but the majority of the house is simply collecting dust.

So, aging is a weird thing.  It creeps up so slowly.  One minute you’re doing the back to school thing, filling out forms, waiting at bus stops, the next you’re buying vitamins at the grocery store and being called “Ma’am”!  It happens in a heartbeat.  I can only imagine how fast, if I’m lucky enough to still be here, the next 30 years will go.  Each coming decade, each number that arrives now, is not as much exciting as it is something to be grateful for reaching.  With each “big” birthday there is no denying that I am no longer young.  When I was in my forties, I could deny it, no more.

But, as someone once said, today I am younger than I will ever be going forward!  So, I will be thankful for each minute, try to live in this minute, since no one is guaranteed the next.  I will never be a therapist or a lawyer, but I am who I am.  I am a person who loves to write, so I write.  I am a person who loves people, so I surround myself with them as much as possible.  I am a person who supports candidates who respect ALL people and who have, as their goal, the fairness of a society that works well for everyone.  After all, we all only have one life to live.  (Obama/Biden 2012!) But, most importantly, I am a person who loves her children and the family that my husband and I have made.  THAT is the most important thing in my life and I must say, that is something I believe I have done extremely well.