I’ve been married for almost 32 years. (Naturally, I was an infant bride.) Through most of my married life and the year before, I have to say that my Mother-in-law was not fond of me. Right after I became engaged, my future in-laws invited me to dinner. I remember sitting at the table and my mother-in-law turning to my husband and saying, “You know who I bumped into today? Leslie…. you know, the girl I wanted you to marry!!” How do you respond to that? Being that I was only 20 years-old at the time, I just sat silently.
Incidents like that happened frequently. Another prime example happened five years later. I was in the hospital having just given birth to my daughter. I was still numb from the epidural and my hormones were certainly a bit crazy. My in-laws came to see the baby. My husband and my father-in-law walked to the nursery. My mother-in-law stayed behind to have a little chat with me. I remember her pulling a chair next to the bed. I still couldn’t move at all, my legs were completely paralyzed from the anesthetic. She whispered to me that she and “Dad” had just made up their wills. She told me that she left me her engagement ring. I was touched, but apparently that emotion was felt too soon. She went on to say…”However, WHEN her son divorces me, the ring is to go to my daughter.”
My husband and his Dad returned to the room to find my tears flowing. My Mother-in-law told them I was emotional because she had just let me know she left her engagement ring to me in their will. She neglected to finish the statement.
I was treated as a “non-blooder” the name they gave to any in-law. Needless to say, the more they treated me as a “non-blooder”, the more I acted as a “non-blooder”. Over the years, the dysfunction was therefore on all sides. There was never any closeness felt toward them or by them. I let my husband deal with his family. We invited them to family events and were always polite…but close, not a chance.
Fast forward to a few years ago when symptoms of Alzheimer’s began to show up. My Mother-in-law would repeat things over and over again. Most of the time, we thought she simply wasn’t paying attention. They lived 2,000 miles away when the disease first manifested, so our interactions were not frequent and usually over the phone, not in person. My Father-in-law covered for her very well, made excuses for her lack of retention, so we didn’t think much of it.
After the housing collapse in Florida, my in-laws moved back up north. We thought it was simply a financial decision. However, after they arrived we realized it was much more.
My Mother-in-law had been officially diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s disease. Although she never liked me, I can honestly state she was always a strong-willed, fiercely determined woman. Now, quite to the contrary, she is completely docile. She still remembers who we are, but cannot keep straight what we are doing. My husband and I invite them for dinner at least once a week. These dinners have become quite the experience. One thing Alzheimer’s has accomplished, which I never could, is my Mother-in-law now likes me! It seems she has forgotten whatever reason she didn’t like me to begin with!
I have to admit, that is a bright side!
She is now kind, thoughtful and considerate. She asks, (albeit multiple times) if she can help in the kitchen. She asks how I am, what’s new…and she honestly seems concerned and interested in the answer!
When looking for a bright side to this horrific disease, I must admit I have found that Alzheimer’s removes layers of baggage. Since she is no longer capable of masking her feelings, perhaps my mother-in-law really didn’t dislike me all along! Perhaps there were other issues, more complex ones, that kept her from truly welcoming me to the family. Just that thought lets me feel better and allows me to soften towards her. And for her, I hope she feels confident that I was, after everything, a good choice for her son. I wish her that peace.
Thirty-two years is a long time. The span provides a view that offers a big picture look at relationships. Naturally, my in-laws love their son. I hope that perhaps because of my mother-in-law’s sickness, they can now see past the lines of defense that were previously set up and realize that I’m not that bad after all. At least on most days~
2 comments:
I was very touched by this story, having taken care of my mother-in-law, her sister and my husband all who had Alzheimer's. Each one of them had different issues and they all became sweet, docile and loving before the disease took their lives. My experiences were different but this story made me realize another side to Alzheimer's. Thank You
I'm so touched that my story reached you. I'm sorry for your experiences with Alzheimer's, but I truly believe sharing these experiences, knowing we're not alone, is so beneficial. Take care and thank you for reading and commenting!!
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